Martine McCutcheon seen near theatre, Charlotte Church gets slightly older, and several cheap shots at Brian Harvey's legs...

Brian Harvey is pictured in The Daily Record

with model/actress/whatever Emma B. The snap of the pint-sized

former Ecstasy-crazed failed solo singer with the luscious long-legged beauty

finally answers the question ‘Can a tall woman go out with a midget?’ No mention

of true love, but we’re sure this is not a publicity stunt as

Harvey’s career is now worthy of as many column inches as his

stumpy legs. He must be relieved, though, that he can look up to a girl with

nostrils. However, a source close to the Chief Medical Officer offered this

warning to Harvey’s new inamorata: “Having legs up to

your neck may be ostensibly attractive, but physically you will shit through the

back of your neck.”

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls reveal gleefully that

they saw Martine McCutcheon outside the Soho

Theatre in London with A GIRL. The start of some

Sapphic love affair? Or just mere coincidence that McCutcheon

was in Soho’s theatreland, seeing as she’s been starring in

My Fair Lady there since March, give or take the nights she has

one of her ‘turns’? We look forward to “Pope Seen In

Vatican”, “Bear Seen In Woods”, Geri seen

in Oman boosting morale for our boys and James

Walsh’s dad prostrate on the floor of a northern working men’s club next week.

Meanwhile, all of the red tops report how Melanie

C has lost weight due to a diet. Hot on the heels of stunning pictures that

showed 15-year-old Charlotte Church has grown in the last year,

the following warning has been issued: “Reduction of lard intake will cause

weight loss. Girls and boys traversing the quagmire of puberty will find that

they grow in height, width and develop extra body hair. Girls will grow breasts.

Boys will have deeper voices. Both should budget for buying a new wardrobe every

six months. This time in your life may be the worst fucking time