TABLOID HELL – MAY 18 2001

Plus, Westlife set the Middle Eastern peace process back by 20 years, Hear'say concentrate on domestic matters and Meg Mathews has another "lucky" well-off man in her sights...

Please, feel free to touch Christina Aguilera.

According to The Sun today (May 18), the weasel-faced midget thinks, “All this ‘Do Not Touch’ nonsense is not for me.”

Seems Christina, who has made a career out of being compared to Britney, even though her one hit is not as good as Britney‘s one hit, is proud to no longer be a virgin. “I’m no longer a virgin,” she roars. “I’m all for female sexuality and taking the sexual power away from the guys.” Strong-minded Christina is an obvious role model in the arduous battle of the sexes. She cries when she doesn’t like her hotel room.

The Star, meanwhile, reports that several high-profile pop behemoths have been used in an attempt to broker peace in the Middle East. Westlife, Five and Atomic Kitten are doing their bit for the war-torn Middle East.

Sadly, they’re not ensconced at a secret location close to the Golan Heights acting as intermediaries in talks between Israeli and Palestinian forces – apparently J from Five is a big hit with his spot-on impression of President Mubarak of Egypt.

The acts instead played a sell-out show in front of 35,000 in Tel Aviv on Wednesday. But such was the wrath that the performances caused that, as The Star reports, “the gig was marred by the sound of helicopters overhead and gunfire in the distance. The Israeli choppers were launching strikes on Palestinian targets.”

The Star also reports Hear’say‘s bright lad Danny on just what the future holds for the band, post-blanket television coverage. “We’ve just moved out of the ‘Popstars’ house and we were looking forward to getting all our furniture sorted,” he says. Apparently, Hear’say, short of press of late and losing ground to S Club 7 have had to reshoot the video for new single ‘Show Me The Way To Your Love’ after heavy rain in Spain ruined the first effort.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Noel’s ex-wife Meg Mathews has been stepping out with West Ham United midfielder Frank Lampard Jnr. Seems “they were introduced by a mutual friend and hit it off immediately”. As Frank is a fairly average, and somewhat overrated midfield player, basking in the reflected glory of another (his father and more talented footballer Frank Snr), then his current choice of squeeze makes sense.

The consistently hot gumboot trio also reveal that ageing Lothario, lap dancing club owner and keen Tory Peter Stringfellow was spotted waiting on a train. On a railway platform. In Crewe. Where there are many train platforms.

Finally, an update on the monkeyman of India.

As previously reported on Tabloid Hell, this strange, semi-mythical creature has been scaring the bejesus out of residents in New Delhi with its nighttime antics (although never really identified, these antics are proper scary).

Now, doctors in the city are offering advice on what to do if attacked by the creature. According to ananova.com, Chief Medical Officer Dr Anil Bansal says people who get cuts and scratches must take care not to let in infection amid rabies and tetanus fears.

Some have described the monkeyman as dressed in black, with others saying he covers himself in bandages. Others even have him as tall and painted silver.

Police are still ordering him to be shot on sight. This could prove a little difficult, as it was revealed yesterday that the monkeyman has the power to make himself invisible at will.