TABLOID HELL – MARCH 9

Has Christina Aguilera had a boob job? And is Britney turning into a boozer? And why is Stuart Cable having problems naming his son? Some answers are easier than others...

CHRISTINA’s had a boob job, or so the tabloids claim.

According to this morning’s Daily Star (March 9), Miss Aguilera decided she wanted “to have super-size silicone” to “perk herself up” after losing out at the Grammy Awards. The Star reckons she wants to compete “with busty rival Britney Spears”. However, it is reported that doctors have convinced her that a “subtle inflation would be preferable”. And while discussing Miss Spears’ reputed augmentation, the paper insists those close to her reckon she has not had any implants. In fact, The Star says “Britney’s handlers” completely refute it.

Staying with Britney, The Star returns to matters of booze. Remember, in yesterday’s Tabloid Hell we reported that the teen queen got into a cat fight in an LA club with a vixen who tried to steal her man. Well, now it seems Britney is determined to parade herself as a fighting, cussing, hard-drinkin’ trailer-park madam. At the moment, it seems she just loves to flout America’s over-21 alcohol laws.

“In London, my age isn’t a problem, but even in the US they tend to bend the rules a little for me.” Do they really, Britney, and what form does that take? “I usually get in and I may get one or two free drinks.” The little minx.

Meanwhile, Westlife get a bit of a kicking this morning. First off the blocks is badass Damon Albarn (“the blackest man in west London,” according to bandmates). According to The Sun and The Star, the Blur man has labelled Westlife’s cover of ‘Uptown Girl’ “mind-numbingly dull”. He has also wondered why a charity single (‘Uptown Girl’ is for Comic Relief, remember) can’t be “intelligent” instead.

And talking of intelligence, who should be next into the ring, but Stuart Cable, the big-haired drummer of Stereophonics! Stuart has decided he will not now call his newborn son Cian, in case people associate him with Westlife’s Kian Egan. “Imagine my son named after a bloke in that bloody band,” The Sun reports him as saying. Baby Cable (and how bright was it to foist a name like Cian Cable on the child in the first place? Sounds like a specialist electrical wire manufacturer) was born several weeks ago. It is only now that his dad is settling on a name. Drummers really are not terribly clever.

Also in The Sun we learn that Gary Barlow is worth more than Robbie Williams. Seems Beefy Barlow is worth #20 million, #5 million more than his ex-bandmate. “I made more than six times more than the rest of Take That,” Barlow is reported as saying in The Sun.

Wacko Watch has declined somewhat. The Sun is pretty much alone in reporting that he went to an antiques fair and bought a “kung-fu kicking Bruce Lee doll”.

The Mirror today exclusively reports that The Beautiful South’s Paul Heaton was spotted “opening a door for an old couple at Jackson’s superstore, north Wales”.

Finally, an Egyptian shepherd had a bad turn of luck recently when he was shot dead by one of his sheep.

Mokhtar Fadl, a 20-year-old Bedouin was lying asleep when one of his unhappy charges shot him in the chest. According to The Mirror, “Police who went to the remote desert spot near Sidi Barrani in north west Egypt initially couldn’t figure out who pulled the trigger… but eventually they decided one of the animals kicked his gun, causing it to fire.”

The sheep have flocked around their guilty colleague, refusing to give him up to authorities.