TABLOID HELL – NOVEMBER 6 2001

Plus - More stuff about how fat Dane is, Hear'say's Myleene gets hooked on flying and the 3am Girls make an hilarious gay joke...

Dane Bowers and Mark Morrison have fallen out.

According to The Sun (November 6), Morrison punched Bowers in the head in a London nightclub. The attack has left everyone everywhere completely stunned and mute with shock. Dane, a round man named after his family’s favourite large dog, is refusing to talk about the attack. A man who heard about it told NME.COM: “It came completely out of the blue. Dane has been working in the club for some time. He has decided not to sell many more records and he is very good at waiting on tables. He was sharing a joke with a man who had just ordered a large whisky sour when Mark came behind him and knocked him off balance. Dane’s head hurt and he dropped his tray. It fell on the floor and made a noise that just added to the commotion and scene of devastation that was unfolding.

“Dane fell over and has been able to communicate only by blinking since then. Doctors say he is fine but the incredible shock has turned him into a vegetable. He used to be really happy and he loved eating. Now he stares around him looking like a caged wild animal. I know he wants to tell me something, but I can’t quite work out what. The nurses heard how he got his name and now call him Lassie. It’s quite a funny joke I suppose.

“Maybe he is trying to tell me that the parson’s daughter is trapped at the bottom of the old unused mine shaft and that she can’t get out because she has hurt her ankle. Not that Dane would be much use if he manage to get out of his bed and lead rescuers there. Have you seen the size of him? He’d need a crane to lower him down. You know I said he likes to eat. He eats like other men breathe. I’ll tell you why there are no more elephants in London Zoo – Dane went to look at them and they felt intimidated in front of the fucker. He’s the size of a large farmhouse.”

was already steering. She must have been peeking through her eyelids because apparently she was quite good.

“The incident with the plane was on the cards, | suppose. We are considering moving her around tied up on a bench, like Hannibal Lecter in ‘Silence of The Lambs’. Although, we have also thought about getting one of those imitation little steering wheels that parents have for children to let them pretend they are driving. Every time Myleene sees one she smiles. It’s quite incredible how easily a mentalist can be brought to heel.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that former important Tory MP Michael Portillo was seen outside a shoe-shop called Camper. Which is a joke.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here fora more thorough breakdown of Dane Bowers’ diet.