TABLOID HELL – JULY 4 2001

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Plus - Will Smith scares a fan, the great Atomic Kitten pillow shortage and an astonishing piece of astronomical news...

David Bowie has an eye problem.

The Thin White Duke, who though he is both thin and white has never been a member of the landed gentry or been awarded any sort of fiefdom in the Queen’s birthday or New Year honours list, has been asked to play Frank Sinatra in a new biopic, says The Mirror (July 4).

However, Frank Sinatra was nicknamed Ol’ Blue Eyes, on account of having two eyes, both of which were blue, while Bowie, who also is known to have two eyes, has eyes of different colours. This, though, is the least of Bowie‘s problems. While Sinatra was a streetwise New Jersey hipster, who hung about in the Vegas Sands leading the Rat Pack, running with the mob and JFK, wearing suits like a legend and marrying Ava Gardner, being the first true 20th century music pin-up and along the way recording some of the greatest songs ever committed to tape with a voice that won’t be bettered, Bowie, who named his son Zowie, once fronted Tin Machine.

Meanwhile, Will Smith has developed a neat way of dispatching tiresome fans – by frightening them to death. Will, explains The Sun, crept up on a fan at a burger bar recently in a birthday surprise organised by her friends. When he jumped out from a table saying something like: “Hello there young lady, my name’s Will Smith, star of hit records and the silver screen – you know the big tall one from ‘Men In Black’ – and to show I’m quite a sport, I’ve agreed to your friends’ request to come down here and say hello on your birthday. So happy birthday miss,” the fan in question choked and had to be revived by her friends, leaving Will saying something like “mind yourself, that’s it – would you like a glass of water?”.

Elsewhere, Atomic Kitten‘s Natasha doesn’t own any pillows. Or pillow cases. Or sheets – or indeed any form of bedding. The revelation comes in The Star, where we learn Natasha has moved into a new house different to both where she was before and where she will be next, with her fiance, Fran Cosgrove, a burly minder for the ever-sitting Westlife, not to be confused with Fran Healy, the popular frontman of Travis.

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Finally, astronomers have discovered one of the largest objects ever discovered orbiting our Sun. At over one thousand kilometres, the icy, reddish body (2001 KX76) is only shadowed in our part of space by the planets. But astronomers, the BBC reports, believe that bigger objects, some that could dwarf Pluto, may exist. They reckon 2001 KX76 is around 6.4 billion km (4 billion miles) from the Sun.

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