Plus, Hear'say meet Phil the Greek, Britney and Christina in race to get 'em off and Richard Ashcroft goes shopping. 'A Northern Sale', anyone? No, thought not...

Dido is scared of monkeys.

They like throwing shit at her.

According to the Daily Star today (May 24), Dido, who has previously spoken of a deep-seated fear of bananas (she has, she really has) came under “deliberate attack” from one of the primates on a recent trip to the zoo. Seems the little ape “pooed, put it in his hand and threw it at me. It was a deliberate attack.” The monkey was heard to tell companions that though Dido‘s coffee-table diva-lite schtick obviously worked for some, he preferred to hold out and see if indeed Nelly Furtado could bring a little edge and urban glamour to the tired genre.

Had Prince Philip been on hand, he probably would have shot the cheeky chimp. The Queen’s husband, you see, takes a keen interest in the vagaries of contemporary pop culture. So much so, that made-for-television pop sensations Hear’say are, according to The Sun, set to perform for the batty old Greek at his 80th birthday party at the Royal Albert Hall tonight. Philip, who is President of the World Wildlife Fund for nature and who likes shooting furry things and upsetting foreigners, will also squeal will delight when he learns that Gobby Spice Mel B will be in attendance. The Prince, whose eldest son talks to plants and once wished he was a tampon, is believed to be more than happy that Mel seems to have found contentment with former Take That drummer turned actor Max Beesley, following her brief, harrowing marriage to Jimmy Gulzar.

In other news, horse-faced midget Christina Aguilera and teenage virgin Britney Spears have each been offered £1.5 million to pose nude. However, says the Star, the cash is only available to whichever of the two agrees to strip first. James Jameson, owner of website lethalsports.com, is putting up the cash. He wants answers by Monday (May 28).

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls attack on two fronts today. On the one hand they reveal that model Jordan, who has had an inordinate amount of plastic surgery, is unhappy and possibly teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown (such is the girl’s delicate state that she has set her heart on becoming a Member of Parliament), and on the other they reveal that Richard Ashcroft has been spotted in a Marks & Spencer store. In Cheltenham. Buying things.

Finally, 1,000 penguins in the south seas are wearing specially knitted jumpers, says the The Sun. The penguins had complained that it was “a little nippy” and that “those damn seal cubs are getting all the action at the minute. We just wanted to have some National Geographic cameras pointed at us again.” Of course that is joke because penguins can’t talk, except to other penguins. The real reason is that the jumpers are to stop the birds preening themselves and swallowing oil after spills off the Tasmanian coast.

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