TABLOID HELL – OCTOBER 1 2001

Plus - A history of songs turning into seabirds, Posh Spice smiling in spite of her laughable solo career and Jennifer J-Lo gets hitched...

Elton John‘s ‘Candle’ is an albatross.

In a startling admission to The Sun (October 1), Elton, who is renowned for his hair and his lover David Furnish, says that ‘Candle In The Wind’ “has become a bit of an albatross around my neck because it sold so many.” Elton wrote the song about blonde dead Hollywood star Marilyn Monroe but changed the words a bit to make it into a song for Princess Diana Of Althorp when she died suddenly in a car. The song then sold 33 million copies but didn’t make Elton any money because he gave it away.

It is the first time a song has turned into a large seabird in modern times, or at least since records of such things began in 1926. A man said: “Elton is a wonder. There have been rumours that one of Lulu’s hits in the 60s turned into a red bellied heron, but this, I must be clear about this, was never proven. And besides which, such a heron is a fresh-water fowl, not common to salt-flats or indeed way out to see where albatross’ live. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that Elton‘s song turned into an albatross, but more probably its because he used to take loads of drugs and these have made him into a mentalist.”

Elsewhere, Posh Spice Victoris Beckingham is pictured smiling broadly, also in The Sun. The former Spice Girl, who may still be a Spice Girl but is certainly not obsessed with chart hits and such like, makes it a welcome one two for her and close friend Elton John as they are both pictured on the same page.

Meanwhile, Jennifer J-Lo, former lover of P Diddy Lopez, is pictured in all the red tops with the man she has just married, her husband. Her husband, a dancer, is pictured beside her tilting his head. It is a blissful picture of joy and happiness.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that the Incredible Shrinking Woman Hairy Gelliwell was spotted jogging by the Thames. They also reveal that Sharleen Spiteri, singer with rock and roll outfit Texan, was spotted eating in a restaurant.

Finally, Juan Sebastian Veron is fucking dynamite.

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