TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 13

Plus, Geri's toilet-lid-closing habits revealed and - hold onto your superhero outfit - Robbie's hell-raising collaboration...

“Em fires blanks,” roars this morning’s (February 13) Daily Star. And no, it’s not a story relating to weapons charges Eminem faces in Macomb County. It seems he and now reunited wife Kim have been trying for a baby. The Star, like other red tops repeats a radio interview, broadcast yesterday on Jo Whiley’s show on BBC Radio 1, in which the peroxide one talks about an attempt to sire a baby brother or sister for five-year-old Hailie. Constant pill-popping is to blame for the less-than-fertile situation, reckons The Sun.

The Sun also details the remarks of DJ Judge Jules on house music. “It has morphed into a plethora of different sub-genres during the tenure of its life. It’s an immediately infectious musical genre and the reality is that there is a synergy between the human heartbeat, an enhanced level of aerobic exercise, the bpm of house music and a tribal feeling.” DJ Judge Jules eats small, plastic middle-gauge train-tracks. Actually that’s a lie.

The Star also brings us news of a possible collaboration between Robbie Williams and Hollywood wildman Robert Downey Jr. Seems Robbie has already assisted Robert on a track called ‘Addiction’. Robert is quoted as having told ‘a friend’: “If I can’t act, I’ll sing. Rock stars are supposed to be out of control, so with my history, I’m perfect.” Robert Downey Jr once raced an open-top car, naked, around the Hollywood hills. When police stopped him, he was found to be in possession of a bag of high-grade Class As and a gun. He was also arrested recently in a Californian motel, again allegedly under the influence of a questionable amount of drugs and with a Wonder Woman costume. He has spent a little time in jail. Robbie Williams, of course, used to be in Take That.

Robbie’s mate Geri Halliwell also merits mention. The (where else?) Star tells us that she reckons her solo success is because of superstition. In an interview lifted from Chat magazine, Geri details how, on the release of a new track, she “jogs while listening to different mixes of the track, closes all the loo lids at her posh home, then pops to the shops to buy a copy of the CD”. She also said “Most people I mix with are not straight.” George Michael is said is to have howled with disbelief. Maybe.

Elsewhere, The Mirror tells us Miss J-Lo has been smooching with a new man, identified only as “handsome Cris”. They also claim that Noel’s ex, Meg Mathews, has gone on a “spending orgy”, including a #17,000 cosmetic surgery bill to get over the pain of the marriage split. Apparently, the Botox injection in the forehead (eases wrinkles), the eye-bag removal, tummy tuck and tightening and liposuction on the thighs were a “pick me up”.

Finally, it happened. Scratch Napster, scratch the Anna Kournikova computer virus, scratch Ellen MacArthur and her incredible journey, the biggest story of yesterday, of the year, was NEAR satellite landing on Eros. Eros is 21 miles long, and yesterday it was 196 million miles away. So slight is its gravitational pull that if you dropped a coin it would take five seconds to land. This is history.