Plus - Geri likes salad shock, Low-cut Britney steps out and Virgin gets rid of the contents of Chris Evans's sacks...

The Star write an interesting story today in which Baby

Spice – currently promoting her not-the-Berlin-one new single ‘Take My Breath Away’ – talks about her songwriting skills. The auteur comments: “Whenever I sit down to write music Jade comes into my head.” Which, if the rumours reaching Tabloid Hell regarding the proportion of Jade’s talents are true, is enough to take anyone’s breath away.

Jade might be better directed elsewhere as, also in The Star, Emma Bunton is “broody NOW”. This is according to her pals. She thinks she’ll be a good mother, but her boyfriend may (not for the first time) already have his hands full. One of Jade’s pals has decided that “There’s no room for a child in his life at the moment – he’s already got one baby.”

Limp, covered in oil and freshly tossed. Yes, Geri Halliwell likes her men like she likes her salad, and we now know that The Incredible Shrinking Woman does in fact like salad PROBABLY QUITE A BIT because The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls saw her quite literally eating one in Notting Hill. She was with “a gal pal”, though The Girls don’t say who. Perhaps they didn’t notice. So it was probably Madonna.

Britney Spears has been out and about in “the lowest-cut trousers in pop”, according to The Sun. Her lips didn’t stop moving all night, report the Daily Star – as she spent the evening, at the launch party for her boyfriend’s new album, chatting to Justin’s fans. “Ha ha you spotty idiots, I will be having sex with Justin and you will not” seems like a reasonable topic of conversation, but the real stars of the show were Britney‘s “sexy hipsters”. The Sun illustrate the story with a full-colour spread displaying what happens when other celebrities fail to use belts properly. They fail to include any photographs of Dead Diana splashed up the wall of a Paris underpass.

Meanwhile, Billie Piper will probably cry and collapse at the news that the contents of her beloved husband Chris Evans’ old office have been dumped unceremoniously (ringing any bells, Ritchie Neville?) in black bin bags round the back of his former radio station. The Sun quotes Sophie Johnson (who is 32 and lives in Kilburn) as saying, “It was all just lying there. It was a bit sad, really,” which probably echoes Billie’s thoughts on her wedding night. Hopefully his bags will remain in one piece until they’re removed by the authorities. Then again, he’s already spunked his career up the wall so maybe it wouldn’t be too much of a shock to find the contents of his sacks spread round Virgin’s back entrance.

Robbie

Williams, a man who is always delicately balanced on the edge of that wagon.

“He is one of the few folk in the charts today who makes the life of a rock star seem worth living.” Tabloid Hell thanks Diamond for this sensitive and thoughtful assessment of the light-hearted side of being clinically alcoholic.

Don’t miss tomorrow’s Brass Eye special at 10.35pm on Channel 4.

Finally, German doctors have appealed to the EU claiming that the standard size for condoms is too big for German penises, saying that estimates are wide of the mark. “They’ve also ruled that condoms should be able to hold 18 litres of fluid without breaking, which seems a bit excessive,” they say. Quite right: a quick survey by Tabloid Hell of the NME.COM office reveals that 15 would be quite sufficient.

Interested in fathering Emma Bunton’s forthcoming child? Email photographs of your sperm (12 litres and above please) to tabloidhell@nme.com, or click here for the messageboard.