TABLOID HELL – MARCH 12

Plus Britney's beau does a Beckham (and we don't mean he's started randomly kicking Argentinians), Brian Harvey and the badger and Mariah Carey and macaroni - no longer just homophones of each other..

Dustin Hoffman is a fan of ‘Popstars’.

According to this morning’s Sun (March 12), the tiny Oscar-winning star is particularly enamoured with “Nasty” Nigel Lythgoe, the effete television executive and self-proclaimed pop Svengali responsible for creating the ‘Popstars’ show and band Hear’say.

Seems Nasty Nige – he has very peculiar teeth, by the way, and a penchant for bad scarves – was having a drink with some friends in London’s trendy Met Bar when over ran Mr Hoffman, keen to pass on his regards. “Hey, you’re that Nasty Nigel from ‘Popstars. I love that show, it’s great, you’re great,” said a generous Hoffman. “Thank you,” honked Nigel – who also has a peculiarly long face, like a Shetland pony – “I love your movies.”

The Sun also reports that the dolphin-voiced Mariah Carey likes macaroni cheese. Mel B’s latest squeeze – actor and former Take That percussionist Max Beesley – discovered the warbling diva’s “serious liking” for the pasta melt on the set of their new film ‘All That Glitters’. Oddly, Ms Carey really loves it at 5am.

The Daily Star, meanwhile, believes Britney’s beau, Justin Timberlake, is attempting to do a ‘Beckham’. Pictured at a Janet Jackson show over the weekend, Mr ‘Lake is copying the look of the curiously and worryingly out of sorts Manchester United wing wizard. Justin, formerly in possession of a very dodgy curly mop, is now sporting a “newly shorn haircut, shades and diamond ear-rings”.

The Mirror this morning tells us that the brief conciliatory affair between Danniella ‘half a nose’ Westbrook and Brian Harvey, ex of East 17 has reached an end. Seems little Bry became annoyed at Danniella’s “non-stop partying”. In the end, the romance ended when “a television set was thrown out of the window and he packed his bags and left”. Apparently, he was fearful her “wild nocturnal habits… could harm attempts to relaunch his solo career”. NME.COM was not aware she had turned into a badger. Our thoughts are with her and her family.

The Mirror also tells us this morning that chimp-loving superstar Michael Jackson has invited Damage to his Neverland Ranch to record a song.

There is also a photograph of Coronation Street’s Gail Platt (nee Tilsley) on the front page of the paper. Hide this from small children and pets, it will terrify them.

Finally, two London property developers are attempting to drive from the US to Russia, in a practice run for a drive from New York to London. According to Metro, London’s free morning paper, the pair are attempting to become the first in history to trek across the Bering Strait. For six weeks of each year, 56 miles of sea making up the Strait between the two great continents freezes. It is here the adventurers shall make their bid.

They shall “make the journey in a… snowmobile called Snowbird 5… It has two large corkscrew-like propellers on each side which enable it to travel in water as well as on ice.”

The pair, Steve Brooks and Graham Stratford, need to beware. The ice is a shifting shelf, constantly floating at 3mph towards the North Pole. It they get jammed in the ice, their attempt could founder in temperatures so cold (minus 70 Celsius) that human flesh can freeze in seconds.