TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 20 2001

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Plus - Hear'say star's polygamy sensation, heavyweight exclusive swapping and a Russian teacher who survived three years in an attic on a diet of potatoes...

Abs has volume and dog problems.

The Daily Star reports that the Five singer and dancer – named Abs because he has an abdomen – is an aspiring DJ who has decided to convert a room in his new house into a soundproof booth so as not to disturb the neighbours. “Abs loves playing at level eleven on the meter,” a friend says. However, if that ‘friend’ were any sort of friend at all he’d stop lying to Abs. Such amplification devices do not, as that ‘friend’ well knows, go up to 11. They stop at ten and are more than happy with that.

If duplicitous ‘friends’ were not enough of a problem for poor Abs – named Abs because he can entertain children by rippling his stomach muscles – then along comes his dog. His brand new best friend, a boxer called Alabama, likes to piss on his leg. She did it yesterday while Five were appearing on a radio show, leaving poor Abs to cry: “I’ve tried to teach her to go outside.” Another friend, a better friend than the lying amplification friend, might go further telling Tabloid Hell, “Abs is at his wits end. He doesn’t know where to turn. He’s given that dog nothing but devotional love and bowls of water and biscuits since the day he got her. He takes her for walks and everything. And this is how she repays him – in piss. Imagine if every now and then he unzipped and let rip on Alabama – there’d be uproar. I don’t know.”

does not live in either place, she is acting illegally. However, if she was resident in those places when the marriages happened then they might be legal. In fact, it’s a legal nightmare. “It’s a legal nightmare,” a legal expert told Tabloid Hell. “I couldn’t really say either without knowing more, or even something about the case in question.”

The Daily Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that actress Sarah Lancashire, who used to be in top rated UK soap opera ‘Coronation Street’ but isn’t any more, was spotted “browsing” in a wedding shop. The Daily Star’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls with Lighter Hair reveal that Vanessa Feltz, who used to be famous for something but is now famous for having used to be famous, was spotted “partying at trendy London nightspots.” This heavyweight exclusive swapping can end only in the deaths of one of the two trios.

Finally, a Russian teacher who went missing three years ago and was presumed dead has been discovered living on potatoes in the attic of his school.

Vassili Vorobyev, deputy head of a secondary school in the Voronesh region, says he spent the time studying maths.

His boss had called him “ignoramus.”

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