TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 13 2001

Buy Tickets

Plus - Jay Kay's unfortunate bowel problem, Sharleen Spiteri has a drink or two and is it the end for Nessie?...

Ritchie lost his head.

The Five singer makes the candid admission in today’s Daily Star. Apparently, the serious medical condition developed following a row with his bandmates, his split with former girlfriend Billie Piper (who went on to marry ginger-haired but inexcusably wealthy jobless trillionaire Chris Evans) and a car crash. Ritchie, who looks like a rather startled little girl, but is in fact a man in his early 20s with the eyelashes of a pit pony, explains the problem has passed. “I’ve come out of the other end and now I feel strong and solid,” he says flippantly, caring little for the full horror of a ‘loss of head’ injury.

“It’s just typical of Ritchie,” a spokesperson might believe. “While others might think that losing their head would impair them and erode their standard of life, he simply shrugged it off as one of those things. It’s one of the things that makes him so special. As well as his ability to juggle.”

‘s current condition, though he is thought to be resting and avoiding food with a high fibre count.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Texas‘ Sharleen Spiteri left a restaurant during the early hours of the morning this weekend, after having eaten food and taken “a tipple or two.” The trio provide documentary evidence of the departure with a photograph of Sharleen leaving the restaurant in the early hours of the morning this weekend. They also reveal that Jason Donovan went to a McDonalds with “his child”.

Finally, the Loch Ness Monster might be dead. Robert Rines of the Academy of Applied Sciences reckons pollution has killed the monster.

Dr. Rines told the Inverness Courier: “Environmental stress has occurred since I came here in the 1970s. The environmental change hasn’t been going Nessie’s way.” But he won’t give up. “We don’t want to until we have exhausted our own and our instruments’ capability of telling us if there are one or more big animals in the lake. Hope springs eternal,” he said.

The president of the Official Nessie Fan Club, Gary Campbell, thinks talk of the monster’s demise is the stuff of nonsense. He says she was recently spotted off Fort Augustus.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with high fibre recipes. Or click here to share the dream.