TABLOID HELL – JULY 2 2001

Plus - Lisa Snowdon from Clooney to Dane Bowers (maybe), Eminem's all right really and a crocodile that isn't...

Staff at Madame Tussaud’s are in a race against time.

According to The Sun (July 2), they are currently sculpting a new model of the Incredible Shrinking Woman to go on display in December. The model is being crafted to replace their current figure, based on Geri as she was when she still ate food and didn’t do yoga all the time. However, there is a chance even this model will not be close enough to the real thing. By the time it appears at the end of the year, Geri – who is believed to be somewhere other than where she was when she was in the place she was before this current place – may not exist on the current physical plane. Tabloid Hell understands she is working with nuclear and particle physicists in a bid to become a hologram. As a being that exists purely as a trick of light she will enjoy a huge drop in bodyweight and attain the goal of weighing, essentially, less than air. The new look will, of course, be worked into her new material. Already a track called ‘It’s Raining Men, But That Doesn’t Matter Because I Am Merely Refractions Of Light Vibrating At A Level That Passes Though Most, If Not All Matter And Vice Versa’ is planned.

, is a gentleman and is denying the whole affair.

Eminem is great role model.

According to a German psychologist, quoted in all the morning red tops, the rapper is as harmless as Britney Spears. Hannes Niggenaber believes Eminem, who has sold records all over the world and in Germany as well, is essential in teenagers’ learning curve. He says: “Kids need rebellion, a way of marking themselves off from the adult world. If they don’t dare to rebel themselves then they let the bad boys like Eminem do it.”

It is not a bad theory and one that could be successfully argued, were it not for the shadow of another major German role model. David Hasselhoff, the ‘Baywatch’ Brando, is a Teutonic totem.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls report today that Andi Peters, who used to present links between children’s television programmes, but doesn’t any more, went to a supermarket and bought some toilet roll and cheese. Ever vigilant.

Finally, police in Germany, who might know Mr Niggenaber given that he is German and so are they, have called off a hunt for a crocodile in the River Rhine.

Reports had been filed of a five-foot long creature being spotted swimming along by a nature reserve near Mariannenaue Island.

But they turned out not to be true.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with tales of holograms and crocodiles. And thoughts on the Veron to United transfer saga.

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