TABLOID HELL – JUNE 11 2001

Plus - In other good news, Mel B's solo career heads for a mercy killing, Emma Bunton just gets raunchier and a judge declares that he's a witch...

The Incredible Shrinking Woman is off.

Unhappy at been unappreciated at home, Geri is set to come good on an earlier threat and focus on a career in Hollywood. According to The Mirror, Ginger has signed to a top talent agency and is “planning her Hollywood career path”.

Seems she is “furious” her album didn’t do better than debut at Number Five and then race from the chart.

Though Geri will no doubt see herself as a leading lady, maybe in a romantic caper movie where ignored by the male lead for the majority of the film, she is suddenly discovered by him in a great Damascus moment in the second-last scene when he realises she is the woman for him. Perhaps this is a little too much initially.

Maybe a bit part in Coronation Street is more realistic. Tabloid Hell readers unfamiliar with Coronation Street, please run with this: she could play Ashley’s half-sister, who, on arrival, feels a magnetic attraction to Roy, running a tirade of hatred and abuse from his transsexual wife Hayley; a tirade stopped only by the intervention of the Street’s Brando, Ken Barlow, who she then realises she loves but cannot marry because of a speech impediment stopping her saying ‘I do’ forcing her to go ‘abroad’ in an open-ended conclusion, paving the way for a return if her subsequent career proves fruitless. Or she could work on the tobacco counter in her local Tesco. In real life.

The Sun, meanwhile, contemplates the future of Geri‘s old friend Mel B. They reckon that Gobby is about to be dropped by her label Virgin after hitting the chart with a bullet at number 13 with her latest soaraway success ‘Lullaby’. The Sun reasons that Mel faces the chop because Stephen Gately, also of Virgin, saw his stagnating career stiff at the same chart position. They, charitably, do not mention the fact that all of her singles have been huge piles of shit.

on Saturday with a couple of buttons undone, allowing a tiny glimpse of her breast. This is, they reason, part of her “raunchier new image”.

They bring the Spice watch up to four by revealing that Posh Spice was spotted buying fruit in a shop.

Every other paper focuses today on Madonna and her world tour. Every paper, of course, except the Daily Mail. The Mail reveals that wannabe Tory party leader Michael Portillo has been enjoying a gospel concert during a break following his party’s crushing defeat in the UK election. And where has Mr Portillo chosen to get away from the pressures of Westminster? Why, Morocco of course. Mr Portillo is very fond of Morocco, says The Mail.

Finally, a judge in Yorkshire has admitted he is a witch – but said he would never let his witchcraft interfere with court work.

Steve Jones, who sits at Wakefield and Pontefract magistrates court, has told the News Of The World that “I could do curses or love spells, but I won’t because I’ve seen what they can do to people.”

He has a position of power.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with thoughts and grumbles.