TABLOID HELL – MAY 25 2001

Plus, fresh heartache for Dane Bowers (look out for a single called 'It's Over, Bitch, So Piss Off' in a couple of months), Rod Stewart warning and J-Lo gets raunchy...

Just like Neil Diamond crooned, love on the rocks ain’t no big surprise. And it’s rife in Popland this morning, according to the Daily Star today (May 25).

Cold water has been sloshed over Geri‘s “romance” with German basketball star Dirk “you must be joking” Nowitzki.

Despite her assertions that she was a “Deutsche Fraulein” in a past life and rumours that she’s been slam-dunking with Dirk for four months, it seems he has his own Deutsche Fraulein of the model variety back in Berlin in this life.

It would never have worked anyway – Notwitzki is nearly seven feet tall and weighs 17stones. Tiny wee Geri, aka the incredible shrinking woman, is three-feet-six (possibly) and weighs six and a half stones. It’d be like her going out with her dog.

Meanwhile, unlucky in love Dane Bowers has split from ‘Hollyoaks’ starlet Joanna Taylor (who spookily plays a character calledGeri), according to the Star, because their love just wasn’t strong enough to bridge the gap between Liverpool and London. “Dane was gutted, but they realised it wasn’t going to work [because they’re too old for young person’s railcards?],” said a pal, adding: “I’m sure he won’t be on his own long.” Probably not. His new single, ‘Another Lover’, is out on June 18.

Go camping in Spain instead of going to UK festivals next summer, as Rod Stewart is being linked with every festival known to man.

Meanwhile, Shaggy is contributing to the soundtrack of Ali G’s movie, ‘In Da House’, and also in the Star, Hannah from S Club 7 reveals that a fan held up their second Dublin gig by getting over-excited and weeing all over a power cable. Or, as she delicately puts it, “spilling water on the sound equipment”. She also reveals that she’s suffering from archetypal popstar insomnia, after hitting the Red Bulls too hard at the 4am aftershow. “I woke up a few hours later and couldn’t get back to sleep!” Tsk tsk, 12 lashes with the concealer for you, young lady.

Jennifer Lopez‘ new beau Cris “jiggy” Judd is to raunch up the videos for her next two singles as director and choreographer, and there’s proof in The Mirror, with scenes from ‘Ain’t It Funny’ of her doing a gypsy dance on set in California.

The Sun has a shot from Robbie Williams ‘ movie debut – a 20-minute short which will be shown in cinemas as a prelude to feature films – that shows him with co-star Lisa Seifert draped nakedly across him, and the paper also reveals that BBC bosses were “fuming” after Elton John pulled out of his scheduled appearance on satirical news quiz ‘Have I Got News For You’ at the last minute, because he was “too tired”. A source said: “He knew Ian [Hislop] and Paul [Merton, team captains] would make fun of him but he’s quick-witted and would have given as good as he got.” The last person not to turn up for the show, tubby politician Roy Hattersley, was replaced by a tub of lard…

The Sun also reveals that Britney‘s mum Lynne is concerned about her daughter’s addiction to hairdye, and has predicted she’ll be bald within a year. Maybe she should cut her losses and go for that Becks mohawk now, she could even try it on for size first, with the paper’s cut-out-and-keep centre-spread. And boxer Lennox Lewis is reported to have taken Stevie Wonder out on the piss at London booze boutique Sugar Reef, where the boy-Wonder‘s small entourage picked up the bill.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls spotted Macca and his squeeze Heather Mills “kissing and cuddling” at a restaurant in Primrose Hill and also report that Ronan Keating is sinisterly stalking his former Boyzone buddy Stephen Gately. He has issued “a desperate plea” to return his calls. “Stephen, wherever you are, I’ve called you. Call me back. I know you’re in London.”

Finally, bringing a week of monkey mania on Tabloid Hell to a close, a bunch of hooligan simians have been given an old Renault 25 to demolish, because they were growing listless with a lack of tourists’ cars to take to bits, their enclosure being shut off due to foot-and-mouth.

The chimps at Longleat Safari Park are pictured in the Daily Mail getting stuck into their prey. We are told: “Chunks were missing from the steering wheel and the upholstery. The windscreen wipers were in knots and the trims round the windows were in the process of being picked out and used as jungle creepers. The monkeys also gained particular satisfaction from trying to prise off the mirrors and destroy the bumpers.” It’s not often you see that sort of attention to detail outside North Lanarkshire.

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Tabloid Hell will be back on Tuesday (May 29).