TABLOID HELL – MAY 21 2001

Plus, a nation rejoices at reports that Chris Evans is to give up DJing, Mel B's erect nipples play a gig and Emma Bunton buys some bathing accessories...

Call the cops – Geri Halliwell has eaten.

According to a report in the Daily Star today (May 21), the Incredible Shrinking Woman enjoyed a “slap-up meal” in “London” on Friday night with cricket legend Brian Lara. According to “a source close to the singer” “they had a lovely dinner date together. They are very good friends.” There is no mention of the menu, though it is likely to have included more than the fairy dust and dew drops Geri had been subsisting on in recent weeks.

Brian, a world-record-setting West Indies batsman, is also very good friends with Manchester United’s ever-smiling but currently out-of-sorts striker Dwight Yorke. Who is himself very good friends with the terrifyingly pneumatic Jordan. Strikingly, as Geri‘s body has diminished in volume, Jordan has had implants in every part of her body, especially the lips and breasts.

And following weeks of blanket advertising and promotion, Geri entered the album chart with a bullet at Five yesterday, behind other kids’ favourites REM and Bon Jovi.

The Star also reports that trillionaire Chris Evans is to give up being a DJ to “concentrate on being a dad”. The paper alleges that Chris’ new wife, the much younger and less rich Billie Piper, is three months pregnant. “Chris,” who is of course ginger, “is visibly bored with his early-morning Virgin slot.” Instead, says the Star, Chris plans to move his new bride to Swindon.

Every red-top carries a photo of Mel B performing at G.A.Y. in London over the weekend. In each of the photos she has dangerously erect nipples.

The Sun, meanwhile, reports that former-soap-opera-actress-turned-moderately-successful-pop-singer-turned-constantly-ill-stage-musical-performer Martine McCutcheon has just bought a new watch and a Range Rover.

In the Mirror though, Michael Jackson‘s famous bender mate Uri Geller is imparting wisdom again (it’s Monday, after all). Uri, who bends spoons for a living and then attaches them to the bonnet of his car, says he used RV (Remote Viewing) to travel back to Memphis in 1968 “to watch the killing of Martin Luther King. I sensed a lone assassin was not responsible,” he says. Which might surprise James Earl Ray. Uri advises us all to fight the space/time continuum and leap through the tear in essential matter to buy a candy-floss and roll up for JFK’s assassination.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls, though, tell us Baby Spice Emma Bunton was spotted in a shop on London’s King’s Road buying bath goodies. She was in a shop that sells soaps and other “bath goodies.”

Finally, the Monkey Man of New Delhi is vanishing. Sightings of the creature have decreased after police arrested a dozen people for the curious crime of “spreading rumours”.

According to ananova.com, police report 260 hoax calls since sightings of the creature – which can make itself invisible at will and has a button on its chest to increase power when pressed – started last week.

Hoaxers will be fined and face imprisonment. The Monkey Man remains at large.