TABLOID HELL – MAY 14 2001

Plus, Marti Pellow follows in Mandela's footsteps, Bob Geldof in walking around London drama and, erm, a monkeyman...

We now know more about the incredible shrinking woman than about close family members. The Daily Star today (May 14) reports on her farting techniques. Seems gaseous Spice blew one off in front of Shirley Bassey. She also takes her dog Harry with her everywhere to use as something to blame. And if Harry’s not about, she blames Robbie Williams who, wittily, she has labelled ‘Stinky Pete’.

Tabloid Hell awaits with bated breath ‘Geri – The Scatological Years’, wherein our heroine describes in detail the time and frequency of every bowel movement; where she eulogises about cow pats, especially when they get hard and can be used as big old Frisbees; where she finally, and quite literally, begins to talk shit. Tony Blair, beware.

Marti Pellow has been awarded the freedom of Memphis.

Bafflingly, the former junkie, who has a very thick neck, will also have a day named in his honour.

According to the Star, Pellow has been told by the White House that May 9 will be known as Marti Pellow day in Tennessee. Seems that Pellow has “spent a lot of time in the area recently – recording new solo songs and making a documentary film”.

Another recent recipient of the freedom of Memphis was Nelson Mandela. He spent almost three decades in prison, mostly in solitary confinement, as a political prisoner campaigning against apartheid. His efforts saw South Africa move from an oppressive police state to one where every citizen could begin to stand on an equal footing with his fellow citizen.

Marti Pellow, while in Wet Wet Wet scored a long-standing Number One with a lame version of The Troggs‘ ‘Love Is All Around’.

The Star also reports that Jennifer Lopez is tired. Filming of her latest movie, ‘Enough’, was held up at the weekend because the little flower was suffering from ‘fatigue’. Jennifer has an early-morning paper round and also works evenings in a local transport cafe.

Meanwhile, The Sun reports that [a][/a]’s daughter Lourdes wears very expensive jewellery when going outside to play. Apparently, Lourdes, who is the step-daughter of film director of limited scope Guy Ritchie, wears a diamond bracelet, diamond earrings and a diamond toe ring. Tabloid Hell has no reason to believe this to be untrue.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls report that Bob Geldof was seen “walking on the Tottenham Court Road” in London. This is of double interest as last Wednesday (May 9) the Girls spotted Bob Geldof driving a car. And several weeks ago, actor and comedian Robbie Coltrane was seen carrying a laptop computer into a Tottenham Court Road computer shop. A shop that in all likelihood repaired computers.

Finally, police in India have ordered householders to shoot a monkeyman on sight.

According to [url=]www.ananova.com, the four-and-a-half foot aggressor has been frightening residents around New Delhi. And he is becoming a thing of legend. Some have described him as dressed in black with others saying he covers himself in bandages, while others even have him as tall and painted silver.

A spokesperson for the Meekut police said anyone who sees him should shoot him. “Every individual has the right to self-defence,” he said.