TABLOID HELL – JULY 27 2001

Plus - THAT Mariah/Gary Glitter crossover, Billy Joel in furniture polish suicide shock and, erm, Atomic Kitten being Atomic Kitten...

The Daily Star today prints exclusive pictures today of Geri‘s Top Of The Pops performance of ‘Scream If You Wanna Go Faster’ which will be shown tonight (July 27).

The photos reveal that the lesbian licking routine is back on. This time, the dancers who congregate around The Incredible Shrinking Woman and attempt to eat their way through her flesh are dressed in nothing more than “strips of sticky tape marked ‘fragile'”. Geri, meanwhile, comes on wearing a big box marked This Way Up, her head replaced by a ball of bubblewrap.

TOTP producers had a hard time making sure she didn’t pop her own face before the performance was filmed. It was also reported nowhere that one of Geri‘s dancers claimed that licking the leg of the 28-year-old pop star was “like running your tongue over a freshly creosoted fence”.

. Some of the above is untrue.

The Sun reports how grizzled Disney voiceover artist and onetime Ben Folds imitator Billy Joel once tried to kill himself by eating furniture polish. He was 21 at the time. Roughly ages with Atomic Kitten, who every newspaper publisher in the world is now legally bound to splatter across their pages every single day. That shipment of Mr Sheen is on it’s way girls… just, y’know, planting seeds…

And finally, the Sun reports how rush hour drivers were held up by a goose, which crossed the A4 motorway near Heathrow with its young. Shaken, a Mr. Donald Snoad, who was at the front of the jam and saw the whole event, said, “It was touch and go, but despite the delay I managed to get to work only 38 seconds late.” Another driver, a Mrs. Sheila Mopp, claimed “my whole life flashed before my eyes” as she brought her car from 28 mph to a standstill a mere 42 metres from the bird.

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