TABLOID HELL – MAY 2

Plus - hurrah! Steven Gately saved, yet more squawking brats on their parents' records, and *N Sync go garage...

Bawling brats are the sound of pop in 2001. As if this week’s tidings of Posh Spice‘s solo album featuring a mewling Brooklyn wasn’t bad enough, the Daily Star today announces that Travis drummer Neil Primrose’s year-old sprog Lola is heard crying on their new album.

Good news for Stephen Gately though, he’ll be pleased to hear his solo career has been saved – “for now” adds The Star in ominous parenthesis – since his single now looks like it might make the Top Ten. A pal said “Stephen has been told he’s got one last bite of the cherry. He’ll also have to release another single and its success will determine whether his contract is renewed.”

Westlife‘s Nicky Byrne has been caught performing with his zip down, and revealed that the band are hoping to be the UK’s top stocking-filler this Xmas with a festival album. Turkey jokes at this point would just be crass.

Christina Aguilera‘s new boyfriend looks bugger all like that purple monkey from Minneapolis, Mince, despite what The Star reckons, and their “separated at birth” photo comparison does nothing to persuade us otherwise.

And garage-guru Justin “two-step” Timberlake from *N Sync has decreed UK garage, as purveyed by Craig David, the way forward. For them at least. Their new single ‘Pop’ is in fact a garage tune, apparently, and is “more futuristic”. Than what remains a mystery.

flat naked, which would be interesting if his flat got burgled like hers.

The incredible shrinking woman also hates water according to The Mirror, which tells us “the pop temptress” – they’ve clearly not heard that abomination of a new album, which is anything but “tempting” – fell out of a boat while in Uganda for Comic Relief. “I have a fear of water anyway after my near-drowning experience – especially fast-moving water. I thought I was going to die as I was being swirled around underwater.” She got scared when she saw big waves on ‘Cast Away’ and Disney’s ‘Tarzan’ movie recently. Nothing compared with the sheer terror and sinking feeling your label must’ve experienced when they heard that album, skinny.

Robbie caused a royal ruckus, The Sun tells us, by claiming to have shagged the Queen Mum while he was denying for the gazillionth time that he slept with the incredible shrinking woman. Off with his head, please, it’s the only way he’ll ever shut up about it. We really DON’T CARE if you’ve had her or not. REALLY.

Those ever vigilant 3am girls lash out at Travis frontman Fran Healy’s “crazy blonde Mohican” hairdo which was “surrounded by tufts of dark brown hair”. Pretty inept Mohican then. No such admonishment for Usher, who was unwittingly entangled in the May Day demo yesterday while clothes shopping at designer stores in Bond Street. Clothes shopping, mind, not looting.

Destiny’s Child have been paid £1.5 million to advertise shoes for Candie, topping multi-branded Britney‘s “six-figure sum” from Sketchers.

And a blind “celebrity” cod that appears to have been even more desperate for publicity than Geri, having been caught 40 times by the same fisherman who hadn’t the heart to kill it, has sadly met its end.

Toralf the fish, it has emerged, died a fortnight ago and was being stored in a freezer at the Atlantic Park aquarium in Norway. Experts are awaiting a post mortem to determine its age, sex and find out what caused Toralf – aka Balder – to croak it. The aquarium boss said” “He won’t be buried. We’ve had fish here that we’ve become quite attached to over the years but we’ve never buried them.”