TABLOID HELL – APRIL 23

Plus, Yoko is a dog - official!, Hear'say menage a trois on cards and Ricky Martin prepares to be upstaged by Will Smith...

Geri is concerned about her nipples.

So concerned that, according to The Mirror (April 23), she has a woman who is employed to monitor them.

Flashing the said buttons in the paper (lifted from an article in a forthcoming edition of Maxim magazine) Geri explains the perils of filming a video in the cold and wet.

“They were going to throw some cold water on me and we were very aware of my nipples, because obviously in places like Asia you’re not allowed nipple shapes,” says Miss Halliwell, curiously. “The stylist was very concerned and had to make sure they behaved themselves – what a job.” Tabloid Hell is completely unsure as to how you make nipples behave themselves.

This morning’s Daily Star reports that Robbie Williams, in a bid to placate Geri for joking that the pair have had sex, went shopping in LA, picking up $15,000 worth of sweeteners. The Star reports that Robbie said to his shopping companion, with perfectly balanced sentences, uncommon in the spoken word: “Help me select some items to take back to Geri. Money is no object. I’m hoping to smooth things over with a few expensive trinkets. I never know what to buy Geri and considering that she’s mad at me, I can’t screw up and buy her something ugly.”

Robbie, unaware of The Incredible Shrinking Woman‘s nipple problems, bought her some ‘black silk undies’. He also picked up a necklace, some nice sweaters and T-shirts.

Elsewhere in the Star, we hear that Sean Lennon’s girlfriend Bijou Phillips, daughter of the late John Phillips, has bought a new pet dog. She has named the Chihuahua Yoko. Bijou and Sean’s mother don’t get on.

And Latino heartthrob Ricky Martin is being lined up by producers to play opposite Will Smith in the sequel to Hollywood smash ‘Men in Black’. Smith is picking up $20 million, plus a cut of receipts to reprise his role. Ricky Martin is probably not.

The Sun, meanwhile, reports that racy Hear’say single mother-of-two Kym Marsh wants to move in with bandmates Noel Sullivan, who, his mother assures us, is an unquestionably straight gay icon, and Danny ‘nice but frightfully dim’ Foster. “I don’t know anybody in London apart from the band,” she reasons. Kym’s two young children live with her parents in Wigan while she attempts to struggle to fame. She is doing this for them.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls report that newscaster Michael Buerk – the man whose report on the Ethiopian famine prompted Live Aid – was spotted walking down Gloucester Place “adjusting his tie”. That is what it says – adjusting his tie. And Ronnie Wood will be delighted to hear that the ever-vigilant trio are right behind him in his attempt to finally quit drinking. As a ‘friend’ of Ronnie’s is quoted explaining that Ronnie has promised that “this time it’s for good”, those Florence Nightingales of Canary Wharf add: “We hope so too.” A blessed relief.

Finally, this letter cannot go without further plaudits. Sent to The Mirror it rightly wins letter of the day.

“We have invented a game for the family to play on train journeys,” writes Wendy Milner from Gargrave. “You don’t need cards, counters or dice. You just stare out of the window and look for unusual objects dumped on the embankments.”

It gets better.

“Can any reader beat our list, seen on a journey from Skipton to Harrogate: a sofa, a fully opened gold umbrella, traffic cones, window panes, a pram, bin bags hung on trees, a cuddly toy and, the winner, A BURNT-OUT VAN.

“Perhaps those I-Spy people can bring out a book to accompany the game.”

What I-Spy people? What I-Spy people?