TABLOID HELL – JULY 9 2001

Plus - Ronan gets a footballer's name wrong, Britney goes to the races and is there an Irish Loch Ness Monster?...

It is all Geri today (July 9).

Every morning red-top gives generous coverage to the Incredible Shrinking Woman‘s performance at yesterday’s Party In The Park. Little Geri, who used to be in the Spice Girls but is now content to be merely a former Spice Girl, performed three songs and sent rising temperatures rising even more than they were rising by dancing in two different coloured swimming costumes, even though she seemed to have no desire to do a few lengths of any pool, and by being kissed on her arm and just behind her shoulder by a number of women, even though she was attempting to perform and such attention could have distracted her and put her off her stride.

Geri is nothing if not professional. However if she is nothing that does not then mean she is not professional. However, if she is not nothing that does not mean she is professional, although in her defence it might. Or it might not.

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Elsewhere, Britney showed up at the Daytona motor racing meet on Saturday (July 7). She wasn’t driving.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today talk about themselves. Being fine journalists, they make themselves the focus of their entire column. Eddy Grant’s son loves them. As does Jerry Springer. But then they’re only human.

Finally, scientists may have discovered an Irish version of the Loch Ness monster. Noises have been recorded deep under Lough Ree by a team of Scandinavians searching for the big beast. The monster, says ananova.com, was witnessed by three priests in 1960, who said a large snake-like creature swam close to their boat. They say it had an 18-inch-long long head with eyes, nose and ears rising out of the water.

Goran’s going to win it.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with sightings of beasts and alternative Geri dance routines.

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