TABLOID HELL – JUNE 18 2001

Plus - P Diddy steps out with Mick Hucknall's ex, the shocking truth about Sinead O' Connor and Damage - get this - go swimming...

The nation is obsessed with Myleene’s breasts.

So says Myleene.

But that’s all right, because even though they upstage her every time she walks out in front of an audience, she loves them.

“I do love my boobs,” the busty Hear’say chanteuse tells The Sun, “but they upstage me every time I walk out in front of an audience.”

Her band mate Suzanne Shaw is less happy with her figure. She reckons she has a stomach that sticks out and, curiously, thinks the Incredible Shrinking Woman looks great. “I’m sick of this bit of stomach hanging out. Geri Halliwell doesn’t have it. She looks fab,” she reasons, wrongly.

Suzanne should realise that Geri looks so painfully thin now not because she does yoga, but because she has given up all food. She nourishes herself by strictly controlling her breathing; when very hungry she takes a really, really deep breath; when just fancying a bit of a snack, she goes for a sharp, short intake. Fans should not be distressed if they see her breathing in terribly short bursts, like a sprinter who has just completed the 100m dash in double quick time (which she could probably do if she wanted, on account of her being generally great at pretty much everything, except singing). On such an occasion she is really just treating herself to a load of little snacks, probably on account of having done something really good for humanity, like saving everyone in Africa and Asia and vast areas of Europe, as she can do being a United Nations Special Envoy to the entire planet.

kicked off their courtship with “a few hush hush dinner dates” before they felt confident enough to share an entire table at a recent awards bash.

Emma used to ‘date’ ginger and curly-haired Mick Hucknall.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today blow the lid on Sinead O’Connor. Father O’Connor, who is a priest in the church that isn’t really a church, even though she couldn’t be a priest even if it was because she made herself a bishop, which she isn’t really anyway, is dating a man who is an Irish journalist who lives in Ireland. He’s called Nick.

They also reveal that Damage, a band, were spotted swimming in west London. They were probably in a swimming pool.

Finally, there isn’t, and never was a Monkey Man of New Delhi. An Indian police investigation has found that mass hysteria was to blame for Monkey Man attacks. They have rejected any involvement of a robot or animal in the attacks. The injuries suffered by most people were self inflicted and occurred when they fell prey to “fear psychosis”.

If you are still a true believer, Email Tabloid Hell with monkey man sightings.