TABLOID HELL – 12 JUNE 2001

Plus - Liberty breasts, J-Lo's arse, and Tabloid Hell predicts a meteorologically-based future for Geri...

Poor Danny.

The pressures of fame have left the Hear’Say singer a broken man. According to The Sun (June 12), he has had to split with longtime girlfriend Chloe due to Hear’Say commitments.

“They really love each other but the situation has become impossible,” a “pal” of Danny’s said “last night”.

“It’s hard,” said Danny, “but we’re still good friends.”

Which of course, roughly translated means “Well, I’m famous now and I’m going to make hay while the sun shines. Besides, you’re a bit chubby love and I fancy finding a fit bird. I’ve heard that Chinawhite place is a top place to pull and you being a student have no chance of getting in. So see you.”

Danny should beware though. Hear’Say‘s star is heading for an eclipse. The ‘Popstars’ failures Liberty have arrived courtesy of a pair of nipples. Jessica Taylor from the group is pictured in The Sun and The Star spilling out of her top following a public signing to Richard Branson’s V2 label. In all the photos she is also wet. Danny, though a bit of a tit, cannot really compete.

now wears a big frock.

Such a fate is unlikely to befall the Incredible Shrinking Woman – who lives on fairy dust and rainbow water. Geri, who incidentally seems to have been 28 now for an inordinate amount of time (in fact it will be revealed soon that she lives in a kind of inverse Narnia time – next year she will be 15) is pictured “strutting her stuff” during a trip to Canada to promote, what else, ‘It’s Raining Men’. Tabloid Hell chooses to believe that Geri will in future release nothing but variations on ‘It’s Raining Men’. ‘It’s Sleeting Men, But The Cold Snap Will Pass As The Prevailing Westerly Wind Moves In’ not only scans well but is a surefire hit, and also uplifting, perfect for gloomy, overcast Autumnal evenings. While ‘It’s Really Bloody Pouring Men, And That Shower Is Unlikely To Pass For Several Days, And Then A Severe Frost Will Follow And Kill Any Flowering plants Currently In Bloom’ is obviously a cynical attempt to claw in the Smiths vote, but will appeal to the miserablist in everyone.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that actor James Belushi walked into a hotel in Canada.

Finally, this is a question that needs to be asked. So thank God for B Prideaux from Margate who felt so grieved he/she (there is no title) had to contact the Daily Star. “So now, after 66 years, the famous four-finger chocolate bar KitKat is to stop using its trademark red wrapper and use foil flow instead. Is nothing sacred anymore?”

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with explanations of what a foil flow actually is. Or new career paths Danny could consider.