TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 10 2001

Plus - Atomic Kitten want to strip off, Graham Coxon can't get into the Groove and your chance to buy an island...

Suzanne was rejected by Bucks Fizz.

The Daily Star today reveal that Hear’Say singer and dancer Miss Shaw was knocked back by the skirt ripping Eurovision Grand Masters when they held open auditions for a new line-up. Band mainman Mike Nolan, who was once part of all-girl 70s sensations The Nolan Sisters, told Suzanne – who is not related to 60s icon for shoeless people Sandie Shaw even though she has the same surname, the same initials and is also a successful singer – not to give up her day-job.

However, Suzanne had the last laugh. At the time of the audition, the blonde bombshell was 16 and as she was still at school did not have a day-job at all! She had expressed an interest in working as waitress in her local seafront cafe, but Mike Nolan was not to know that. Neither was he to know that in a couple of years she would run away to the circus and instead find success with Hear’Say. Had he known, he might well have said, “Well, let’s give it a go then Suzanne. You’re a marvellous wee thing and | can hardly sleep with the excitement of it all. By the way, we encore with ‘Land Of Make Believe’ now. It’s really good. We’ve got a couple of dwarves to make it look like a make believe world. When I say a couple of dwarves, we only have one. We couldn’t afford to hire two, so Den the roadie fills in. He’s really short and people in the crowd are hard pushed to tell the difference.”

. Will we be on television? Can I go on a boat right close to it? Ahh, this is bloody brilliant. I can’t wait.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today talk about themselves a lot, which is to be commended because they are wonderful and deserve to be talked about an awful lot more. They also reveal that Graham Coxon, the dance music-disliking-Camden-pub loving Blur guitarist was spotted in a pub in Camden moaning about Groove Armada’s new album. They also reveal that funnyman and failed popstar Richard Blackwood was spotted in a car.

Finally, one of the UK’s largest privately owned islands is being sold. Gigha, with a population of 110, 37 cottages, a shop, pub, nine-hole golf course and private airstrip, is on the market for £3.85 million. Gigha rests just off the Mull Of Kintyre.

Tabloid Hell likes the look of it. Contributions welcome – indeed encouraged.

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