TABLOID HELL – MAY 3

Plus - slaps on the back for Ricky and Rod, Sonique in police bribery shock and Macca's praise for Oasis...

Pity the poor punters of Gravesend. They thought they were getting treated to an intimate one-off performance by Hear’Say popstrel Myeleene on September 23 at the Woodville Halls theatre as a backing singer in top singing turn Duncan ‘no artist page?’ Breeze’s show, ‘A Night At The Musicals’.

Despite posters being plastered around the Kent town showing her smiley wee face grinning enthusiastically behind Dunc, who is to delight locals by bringing a slice of West End glitz to their estuary abode, The Sun can confirm that sadly he won’t be backed by Myleene at the 750-capacity soiree after all, as she’ll be strutting the ‘Say’s stuff in front of 12,000 rabid Mancunians that night. “It would be nice if she could make it but we will understand if she’s a little busy,” sighed Gravesender Dean Webster wistfully.

, where Wrinkly Rod Stewart was given a gong for selling lots of records, Ricky Martin was given three gongs for leather-clad hip-thrusting and selling lots of records, and Backstreet Boys were given two gongs for being “best pop/rock act” and selling lots of records.

In other minor attempts to justify their presence on the junket, we discover that Sonique was embroiled in a recent scandal there. The Daily Star reports that she’d been hassled by traffic cops in Monte Carlo three weeks ago while tootling through the millionaire’s paradise in her C-reg Ford Fiesta – well, okay, Ferrari then. “It went on for about 30 minutes before I said who I was and then suddenly everything was fine. In fact, the policeman was one of my fans so I invited him to the gig.” That old “don’t you know who I am?” chat-up line, eh, works like a charm. Or was she out touting tickets for her own gig? Oh, the shame. And Sisqo is pictured enjoying “a thong and a dance” (arf) with a bird in chaps called Atta.

The Sun tells us Christina Aguilera, still vying with Britney for the title of most branded woman in pop, was disappointed that she couldn’t get out to soak up the rays, grumbling: “I came here for a tan, what on earth has happened to the weather?” (If it’s unspoilt, pristine sandy beaches and palm trees wafting in the balmy breeze you want love, forget Monte Carlo, Arran’s your spot). And Vengaboys found no room at the inn and had to lug their baggage from hotel to hotel in search of a bed for the night.

Britney and Justin roared off into the Californian sunset on the Harley Davidson XL 1200C Sportster that she bought for his birthday pressie. “It was a very romantic gift,” said a friend. “They spent the whole weekend on the bike.” Wouldn’t that chafe a bit?

Anastacia, who’s worth a remarkable £2 million, shares a joy of specs with Elton John, revealing: “Elton and I have the biggest collections of glasses. He loves them for their style, but I need them. I’m as blind as a bat.” She also thinks Natalie Appleton, who is meant to look like her, is “very beautiful.” Modest eh?

Appearing to grow increasingly bonkers with every tabloid tale, Macca lavished gushing praise on the Gallaghers, declaring the Oasis bro’s to be a 21st century Beatles: “Liam is John and I think Noel is me a bit.”

You can’t really follow that with a wacky “and finally” story, can you?