TABLOID HELL – MAY 1

Plus, shock Atomic Kitten/Travis liaison on the cards, Brooklyn Beckham makes his singing debut and Sir Paul McCartney buys a tuxedo...

Suzanne Hear’say fears Right Said Fred.

According to The Mirror today (May 1) Suzanne (the cute, suggestive one) asked organisers to remove the bald, late-80s two-hit wonders from a bill at London’s Earl’s Court last week because of an indiscreet moment she had as a pop wannabe. Last week, a Sunday newspaper revealed how Suzanne performed “in a raunchy home video filmed by a man she met, before fame, in a Bolton hotel”. It turns out the cameraman was connected to Right Said Fred. Ergo, Suzanne, feared bumping into him again and decided it might be easier if any possibility of a meeting was removed altogether. Regardless, Right Said Fred performed.

However, this may have been simply a smokescreen. New romantic boyband wonders Spandau Ballet also performed at the show (the embarrassment of riches was assembled for a huge staff party for 11,000 Vodafone workers). It is possible that Suzanne was merely trying to deflect from her real fear, the Ballet‘s frontman Tony Hadley. Tony Hadley has spent the years since fame eating and is now the size of a comfortable, three-bedroom semi-detached house. His sheer bulk may have, understandably, put the fear of God into saucy Suzy.

The Sun, meanwhile, reports that the blessed Kitten‘s Natasha Hamilton is following former singingmate Kerry ‘Kalm Down’ Katona into matrimony. Natalie is sensationally set to wed indie guitar king and Travis frontman Fran Healy. Natalie met Fran when he was working as a strong arm for Westlife – who of course count Bryan ‘I’m pop and I’m proud’ McFadden, Ms Katona’s betrothed, among their number. “She is absolutely delighted, but was desperate to keep it quiet for the time being,” a ‘pal’ says. Her delight may dissipate somewhat when she realises she has been duped. Her love is not, in fact, cheerful Glaswegian Fran masquerading as a burly bouncer, but Fran Cosgrave a cheerful Dubliner who IS a burly bouncer.

The Sun also says Posh Spice has roped in baby Brooklyn to add backing vocals to a track on forthcoming debut album ‘Girlfriend’. If the baby shows a similar apititude for his dad David’s profession, Brooklyn could soon be seen playing a key role in shoring up Manchester United’s leaky defence, particularly on the left where Silvestre has looked passable going forward this season but piss-poor when it comes to actually defending.

They also report that Kylie Minogue is to star in a 90-minute Australian special of hit UK show ‘Cold Feet’. The “Aussie beauty,” we’re told, “will play an Aussie beauty”.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls reveal that Paul McCartney was spotted shopping for a tuxedo in Brooks Brothers. Tabloid Hell understands that Brooks Brothers is a clothes shop.

Finally, a man, a sane reasonable man it is assumed, sat down and wrote this letter to The Mirror.

“I’d like to find the origin of the name of the Jammie Dodger biscuit. Nobody here at Burton’s [the biscuit manufacturer] can remember. There could be some biscuits in it for a reader who can solve the mystery.”

Please, despite the temptation, do not contact Tabloid Hell with answers.