TABLOID HELL – APRIL 24

Plus, Five's Ritchie attacks S Club druggies, ginger Chris and Billie's excellent adventure and the Appletons reveal how they differentiate between their boyfriends. Without using the word 'monobrow'.

After Geri‘s nipple problems, Hear’say’s Myleene this morning has a problem with an attachment of her own. Rather, the attachment is attached to her boyfriend David Sebastian (the love-rat).

According to The Mirror, David has a tattoo dedicated to a former love scrawled on his manhood. And Myleene has refused to marry him until the offending eyesore is removed (that’s the tattoo rather than the manhood).

“It’s a constant reminder of this other woman and Myleene doesn’t like it,” explains a ‘source’. “Before she even considers marrying David, she wants him to get rid of that tattoo.” Though completely unsure of what is involved in tattoo removal, Tabloid Hell still reckons this particular procedure to be very painful.

In The Sun, Five‘s Ritchie Neville has laid into potheads S Club 7. Ritchie, who was dumped by loved-up teenager Billie Piper because he kept getting into fights (all right not strictly true; he got into one fight in Dublin. And that’s it, really. But she did leave him for ginger but hugely rich Chris Evans), says the druggies set a bad example. “At the end of the day,” says Ritchie, sounding like a footballer, “kids look up to them and now their fans may have it in the back of their heads that they want to try it because the boys from S Club 7 did.” S Club 7 have made no response, probably because their brains have been mashed by mind-bending narcotics, but if they did, they might remind Ritchie of an old opinion of his about cannabis: “It should be made legal – because it grows, because it’s natural. And if you believe in God, how can anything that grows be illegal,” said the strangely eyelashed boyband singer not so long ago.

Ritchie should avoid the papers completely this morning, or he might cry. His former squeeze Billie is pictured in all the redtops enjoying a day out at an adventure park with her much older lover. She and Evans, who has ginger hair but is one of Britain’s richest entertainers, “seemed to be having a wonderful time,” an ‘onlooker’ tells The Sun.

Elsewhere, Natalie Appleton reveals that her eight-year-old daughter is unimpressed by Liam Gallagher, the father-to-be of her sister Nicole‘s baby-to-be. “Everyone makes a fuss of us, but as far as she is concerned we are all nerds. Uncle Liam is just a nerd,” she tells the Daily Star. Natalie also explains how she and Nicole differentiate between their boyfriends, who are both called Liam. “We call them Liam One and Liam Two. Liam Gallagher insists he’s Liam One, but my Liam is number one to me.” As a workable system, it has obvious flaws.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls reveal that David Beckham, the Manchester United winger and husband of Posh was spotted shopping. They also say that Sara Crowe was seen “wearing a long Afghan coat” walking along a road in London. Sara Crowe is an actress who was in ‘Carry On Columbus’. She played Fatima.

Finally, a man in Maryland has taken to dressing as a red pepper called Peppy because God told him to. The Maryland Sunspot by way of ananova.com tells us that for four years Kenny Carter has been dressing as “Peppy the Pepper” and greeting shoppers at the Super Fresh shop where he is a community relations manager. God approached Kenny, who is a former pimp and drug dealer, during a church service. “It was a very powerful worship – I was crying out in the middle of church: ‘Oh God! Oh God!’ And suddenly I heard an audible male voice that said: ‘You will be a vegetable’,” explains Kenny.

“I looked round, I thought I was going crazy. I began to worship again. I said: ‘Lord, speak to me.’ And I heard it again: ‘You will be a vegetable.'”

After his message in church, he asked a friend to make him a pepper costume, made up a song and asked the manager at Super Fresh to let him try out his act on shoppers.