TABLOID HELL – APRIL 19

Plus - Posh continues to celebrate her birthday, Billie and Chris aren't getting engaged and diva strops...

‘Popstars mummy wants to look less gummy’, and in fact Kym has already blown £5,000 getting her gob fixed, according to this morning’s Sun. The Hear’say momma is champing at the bit to follow Ronan, Noel and, um, Tom Cruise into the dentist’s chair to get her gnashers straightened out. The Sun’s art desk seem to have got a bit handy with the “Billybob” falsies on the “before” shots, with said celebs sporting McGowan-esque monstrosities that really must be made-up.

Posh is still celebrating turning 27, her and David clothed in matching pink outfits as they went out for a slap-up dinner at plush West London noshpit Bibendum. McDonalds, we take it, was full.

Star readers can rest easy – Mikey ‘gubbed’ Graham is safe! After their heartfelt plea for him to contact them and let them know that he was resting up at home after collapsing/getting on a plane to Germany where he’s very popular/not getting on a plane to Germany where he’s very popular, he rang them to say he wasn’t “completely exhausted” because the single only went in at 62 and was roundly ignored by TV and radio, but because “it’s been one hell of a round of interviews and promotional appearances”. In Germany, presumably.

The Sun also helpfully points out that he had sold only half the tickets for his forthcoming tour before it was axed yesterday, and predict that he’s coming down with ‘Gary Barlow Syndrome’. Symptoms – weight gain, inability to get up the charts, allergy to limelight.

Chris Evans says he was just pulling everyone’s leg and ‘avin a larf when he and Billie Piper announced their engagement as an April Fool. It is unclear how she broke this to him.

The Mirror’s ever vigilant 3am girls clocked Coldplay singer Chris Martin buying a Fender Stratocaster from Luke’s Guitars in Ramsgate. Wow.

Robbie Williams jests in the Daily Star that he’s planning to write a song called ‘Just Because You’re Dyslexic Doesn’t Mean You’re Thick’ after his spelling on the lyrics to ‘Angels’ was criticised by teachers.

The same paper tells us that Emma Bunton‘s big bruvva Paul – a “strapping six-foot karate expert” – has been hired as her bodyguard. Those ever-gabbing sources quite accurately said: “Paul’s a big lad and has more of an interest in protecting Emma than just any old minder. Unlike a lot of stars, Emma doesn’t employ a bodyguard for round-the-clock protection. But at events like the HMV fan signing (where 3,000 Cleavage Spicefans turned up to meet her… does nobody go to record shops to buy CDs any more?) things can get a bit hairy and Paul is ideal to protect her.”

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Kim Mathers is building a house next door to her ex- husband’s Detroit mansion, who as reported yesterday on NME.COM is looking for a house in England. Coincidence?