TABLOID HELL – APRIL 17

Plus - Geri relaxes after her incredibly hard week, Atomic Kitten become soap stars - and have we seen the last of Toploader? Fingers crossed...

‘My Noel Is Not Gay’ screams the Daily Star front-page this morning (April 17).

The sexuality of the unquestionably straight gay icon Noel Sullivan, the testerone-laced Hear’say singer, is being championed, as often happens in questions of sexuality of most unquestionably straight gay icons, by his mother.

“I’m fed up being asked if my boy is straight or not,” rages Mamma Claire. “It doesn’t matter what his sexuality is. He’s had girlfriends… just because they would not come out of the woodwork, people assume my boy is gay.” Continuing to protest Claire, who is Welsh (this will become something of a leitmotif this morning) adds, “Noel had a two year relationship with a girl”. Noel is more sanguine about the whole affair happy to “appeal to fives to fifties, gay, straight, whatever.”

Elsewhere in The Star, Atomic Kitten signal their intent to follow Steps into the world of fading mid-afternoon soap operas. The trio are set to appear in an episode of Australian surf and burger-bar drama ‘Home & Away. They will play themselves, a fact that has ‘a source close to the band’ very excited. “|t’s great because it is Atomic Kitten playing Atomic Kitten,” smiles the ‘source close to the band’.

-like savviness in quitting the Kitten weeks before their

Number One, had a rather unhappy time at boyfriend Bryan ‘I’m pop and I’m proud’ McFadden’s 21st birthday party. According to The Sun some old friends of big Bry’s (the only interesting member of Westlife) had trouble getting into London’s Propaganda club for the bash. So Bryan went to have a quiet word with the doormen, accompanied by pregnant Kerry, who is from Liverpool, near Wales. Kerry’s attempt to have them all ‘Kalm down’ went awry when she was accidentally hit in the face. Understandably upset, she stormed out of the party and Bryan took her home. Bryan made sure she was fine. And then returned to the party.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls report that Toploader‘s Dan Hipgrave was barred from re-entering his own band’s gig at the Brixton Academy when door-men didn’t recognise him. Which introduces a whole new means of preventing the band from ever playing live again. They also report that teenage Billie Piper and her ginger but multimillionaire lover Chris Evans were spotted. Together. Kissing. In a pub. Following a recent holiday Billie was ‘tanned’. Chris Evans, though, remains ginger.

Returning to The Star we find Greek Boy Spice Geri Halliwell making her daily tabloid appearance. The incredible shrinking woman is pictured during a much needed break on a beach in Monaco. Geri, who, when not in Monaco is coping with homelessness by spending nights in a top London hotel, has “had a busy time promoting her new single, ‘It’s Raining Men’. The exhausted star simply “wanted to unwind”.

Finally, Peter David, a lay preacher from Wales, has called God as a witness at a hearing for a motoring offence. It seems, reports the Star, that Mr David “says the Almighty has told him he doesn’t need car insurance because he has Divine protection from harm.” Peter explains: “I told the officers I travelled with God as my passenger and the Lord had told me I no longer needed car insurance.” A hearing has been set for May 11 before magistrates in Neath. However Peter’s solicitor is less confident of a character reference from his omnipotent protector.

“He may believe what he’s saying – but I don’t expect to see God in the witness box.”