TABLOID HELL – APRIL 5

...But it's only for a week's holiday. Plus, Robbie and Geri are "doing it" and Emma Bunton's boyfriend is unmasked as someone who talks to other women...

HEAR’SAY’s racy absentee single mother-of-two KYM MARSH is taking a week off from fame to go on holiday with her kids.

According to today’s Daily Star (April 5), mouthy Kym, who has emerged as the nominal frontwoman of the chart-topping made-for-TV outfit, is “fed up seeing so little of her children”. So she’s taking David and Emily, along with her parents, to EuroDisney in Paris. “We’re going to be there for four days. I’ve told my kids and they’re really pleased… We’ll be staying at a Disney hotel and I think it will be a great opportunity for them,” she adds, oddly. Kym – dubbed ‘fat’ by ‘Popstars’ show creator ‘Nasty’ Nigel Lythgoe (who has a face like a Shetland pony and a disturbing number of teeth) – has frequently said that she is working hard at being a star, so her children can have a brighter future.

Meanwhile, Robbie Williams and his ‘guardian angel’ Geri Halliwell are omnipresent today. All of the redtops carry details of his confession, made during an interview on BBC Radio 1 yesterday, that the pair, who are consenting adults, have sex. Occasionally. Quite how this squares with Bendy Spice is another matter. “Sex is in the head,” she said recently. Tabloid Hell is seeking confirmation and if necessary a period of training.

Bendy, also known as the “incredible shrinking woman” (The Mirror April 3), also showed up at the premiere of ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ in London and realised a nation of adolescent boys’ wet dreams. Arriving without an escort, she plucked 15-year-old Edward Spencer from a crowd of waiting fans and took him in to watch the film. “I’m a massive Geri fan and have all her records,” explains Edward, a teenager with a questionable collection, to the Star. “I would like to thank her for the best night of my life,” he adds, sweetly. Tabloid Hell guesses that the sex on this occasion was very much restricted to Edward’s head. Where it will be replayed frequently during the coming weeks and months.

It’s not all rosy for Ginger, though. Big-boned vocalist Sonique reckons she’s setting a poor example with her two stone drop in weight. “It’s up to Geri how she lives her life, but I do worry that her fans will see her as a role model and try to crash diet as well,” she tells The Sun. Sonique also reckons Bendy has had liposuction to her chin and neck.

And while all the other columnists spend some time talking about last night’s glitzy premiere, The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls concentrate on the after-awards parties that followed Maxim’s Woman Of the Year event. On Tuesday.

Apparently, would-be chart-topper Freckly Spice‘s boyfriend Jade (from moderately successful boyband Damage) was seen TALKING to a WOMAN. This woman shamelessly “whispered” in his ear. “Jade,” say the Girls, “did nothing to fight off her advances – in fact he seemed to be enjoying himself.” Yesterday the 3am Girls labelled the awards a “lunchtime booze-up”.

Finally, Britain is set to be invaded by giant crabs. The Sun reports that five of the monsters, which can grow to 13 feet and live for 100 years, have been imported by a sea-life centre in Birmingham. But so fearful of attacks on humans or escape attempts are the folks at the centre that they’ve taken out £1million insurance and added specially strengthened glass to the aquarium.

And if the crabs don’t get you, the asteroid might. Somewhere up in space there is a half-mile rock, labelled 1998OX4, that scientists discovered three years ago, observed for ten days and then, rather worryingly, lost. There is, according to the Mirror, a chance it could “hit the earth with cataclysmic effects” in the next 30 years. “If this asteroid hit London, much of England would cease to exist. If it hit San Francisco, California would be destroyed,” explains Dr Duncan Steel of the University Of Salford.

On your knees…