TABLOID HELL – MARCH 22

Plus, the full extent of Westlife's Kian's injuries, Robbie Williams linked with Queen and Ricky Martin's girlfriend sets the record, erm, straight...

if you have noticed today (March 22) that the earth has been spinning against its axis, that the seas have began to bubble and that the sky hangs ghostly, that is because the end of days are upon us. Hear’say are being used as the aspirational models for a new university course.

According to the Daily Star, the BA in Popular Music at Edinburgh’s Napier University will teach keen students “how to sing, write hits and play instruments”. Course lecturer Graham Weir has “predicted they could rise from obscurity to become huge stars like Hear’say‘s Kym Marsh”. Graham Weir used to write songs for OMD. Beware.

Also in the Star is the news that Robbie Williams is poised to fill Freddie Mercury’s gap. This story, of course, emerged first several months ago when it was suggested Robbie would front Queen during a tour of the US in a bid to finally break the country. At that time, Brian May made some noises about it having been talked about but more thought was needed, discussions, he said, were ongoing. The Star today break the exclusive that May has now said “we’ve had a couple of talks” and that “we all need to do a bit of thinking before a decision like that would be made”.

The Mirror’s 3am Girls, meanwhile, reprise their role as ticket agents for a West End show. Last week, remember, they gave daily updates on the illness of Martine McCutcheon (former soap opera actress turned moderately successful pop singer) and how that may have impacted on the opening of the musical ‘My Fair Lady’, in which she takes the lead. On today’s slow news day, they’re back with Martine. She’s ill, will be in hospital for a day or two and her understudy is taking the lead.

The Sun today carries a picture of Ricky Martin‘s girlfriend Ines Misan boasts about her red-blooded love’s rampant heterosexuality. Not only is he something else in bed – “On a scale of one to ten, I’ll give him a 20” – but he’s absolutely, certainly not gay – “It’s a joke,” she purrs. “I wish every man were so gay.” For good measure, [url=]Ricky and Ines are pictured walking hand in hand in The Star.

Finally, spare a thought for the whale that beached itself in order to die. The 34ft humpback, thought to be around 100 years old, ran aground in Sandwich Bay near Dover yesterday afternoon. While RSPCA officers thought it was because it was old and weakening and had decided to die, Tabloid Hell reckons the great old creature had heard about the Hear’say course.