TABLOID HELL – MARCH 19

Plus, Michael Jackson and Yoko Ono in doubtlessly crap collaboration, Mel C's personal hygiene offends the Russians and Guy Ritchie indulges in a bit of rough and tumble with Tory leader...

‘Myleene: Why I long for smaller boobs’ roars the front page of this morning’s Sun (March 19) – (‘The official ‘Popstars’ paper’, no less). And just to reinforce the point, the paper then spends two pages inside looking at a ‘Hear’say girls shocker’. Apparently, Myleene is not alone in her mammary displeasure. She reckons “her voluptuous 34DD assets are too BIG. Band pal Kym Marsh says hers are too SMALL. And petite Suzanne Shaw just wishes she was taller so hers would be HIGHER off the ground.” It is a day when much is being done to give any story about the new British chart-toppers some legs.

The Daily Star leads its front page with the story of ‘Hear’say Danny’s Threat To Quit’. Apparently “the modest Londoner had so little confidence in himself that he was on the verge of walking out of the auditions and returning to his job as a cleaner”.

Among ’20 Pure And Simple Facts’ about the made-for-TV outfit – which include the shattering revelation that “Suzanne will still buy Top Shop not Versace” (Tabloid Hell is fairly certain this is a reference to clothes, rather than a move into property and retail) – The Star also tells us something genuinely peculiar. “Danny and Noel,” it says, “write messages in toothpaste on their pillows.” Perhaps Noel is trying to get in touch with a fairy.

The Star also reveals that chimp-loving Michael Jackson and Yoko Ono are “teaming up to put on a stage show of The Beatles’ ‘Yellow Submarine’. Apparently, George Martin is in on it as well.

The Mirror’s ever-vigilant 3am Girls predict this morning that Noel Gallagher is to wed girlfriend Sara McDonald. “We predict Noel Gallagher will wed PR girlfriend Sara McDonald by the end of the year,” they say. Tabloid Hell is not sure what constitutes a ‘PR girlfriend’ either. They also, like The Star and The Sun, picture Posh’n’Becks heading for dinner on Saturday night. And they tell us that actor/raconteur Stephen Fry was spotted leaving a London Tube station. He may even have been on a train.

Back to The Sun, where we learn that Mick Jagger has allowed the boyfriend of his 17-year-old daughter Elizabeth to move into his New York home. Mick shall also be living there. There will be no such cohabitation for Baby Spice Emma Bunton, though. Seems her boyfriend Jade Jones, of marginal boyband Damage, prefers living at home. Mummy’s boy Jade admits he likes the set-up so much, he’ll probably still be there when he turns 40. In 18 years.

Sporty Spice Mel C, meanwhile, appears to have come across the bitchiest journalist in Russia before her show in Moscow on Saturday. Despite telling Dmitri Konnov of Radio Maximum (say it with a heavy Russian accent – it still doesn’t work) that she was getting broody but couldn’t find the right man, it still wasn’t enough for the catty Konnov. “I had the terrible desire to give her a bottle of shampoo and tell her that her hair needs washing,” The Daily Express reports him as saying.

And Madonna might be interested to learn that her faux-bovver boy husband Guy Ritchie has been rolling about on large padded mats, wearing simple loose clothing with a senior Tory Member of Parliament. And no, it’s not Michael Portillo, but the man he is desperate to succeed, current leader of the opposition William Hague. The Star reports that they ran into each other at Budokwai, a judo club in Chelsea. Neither had a sparring partner, so the club manager suggested they get to it together.

Finally, we’ll soon be able to get Coca-Cola from the kitchen tap. According to theDaily Mail, the soft-drinks giant have been working on a system to make it happen. “Blocks of flats would have a central source of Coca-Cola syrup, sealed to prevent tampering with the ‘magic formula’. Water from the mains would be piped through a purifier to remove regional differences in flavour, then carbonated and mixed with the syrup at the tap.”