TABLOID HELL – JULY 19 2001

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Plus - Dido's fascinating house plans, Melanie C's day of tricky decisions and a randy Harry Potter...

“In two years’ time, we might be back together again.” Thus muses delusional acid jazz donkey Jay Kay in all the tabloids this morning, in reference to his ex-lover Denise Van Outen. Yeah, right. In two years time Denise will be hitched to Chris Evans, whose marriage with Billie Piper will fail after she’s banged up for attempting to murder Kim Wilde, claiming “I’m you! Look at these blonde flicks! You’re the imposter!”

Meanwhile Jay Kay, having failed to set the charts alight with his ‘2001: A Funk Odyssey’ album, and its similarly Kubrick-inspired follow-ups ‘Funk Metal Jacket’, ‘Dr Funklove (Or How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Funk)’, ‘The Funking’ and ‘Eyes Wide Funk’, will have thrown in the towel and taken over from Jeremy Clarkson on ‘Speed’ (which he renames ‘Funk’, having dismissed the portmanteau ‘Spunk’), testing jet-packs, turbo rollerskates, high speed trolleys and the like while simultaneously sliding backwards across the floor doing ‘hip’ ‘funk’ things with his hands. After being fired by the BBC for crashing a kite that, like, goes really fast, he’ll disappear and be found ten years later having become just one big hat.

Meanwhile, The Sun reports how Dido was “gutted” at not being able to buy the two houses in Islington which she was going to convert into one big house. While this is not, in itself, very interesting, Tabloid Hell is keen to point out that had the frumpy warbler become friends with the Princess Of Wales before her untimely death, and had been in the car crash that killed her, the headline would’ve been “Di, Dodi, Dido do the dodo”.

Those Ever Vigilant 3 Am Girls in The Mirror saw Melanie C looking at Diesel jeans in Manchester’s Trafford Centre. Possibly muttering to herself, “Is that American size 16, or British?”

The Star reports how Geri‘s performance in Rome last night saw the return of the licking lesbian dance troupe that made Prince Charles go all stiff (we mean his demeanour, obviously) at Party In The Park. Thus it would seem that a pattern is emerging: the dancers have one day on, with licking and all that malarkey, and then one day off to recover from the vomiting that inevitably follows.

Still on Geri, the Daily Record reports how she attended an AA meeting while in Rome. That stands for Anonymity Anonymous, obviously: “I’m Geri Halliwell, and I haven’t allowed myself to become anonymous for about six years.”

And finally, the Daily Star reports how, in the run-up to the release of a film eagerly awaited by the ex-dance editor of NME.COM, the Internet is awash with sordid tales of the “sexploits” of Harry Potter. “One describes a rampant sex session between Harry and Ginny, the sister of his best pal,” the paper gasps. “Author JK Rowling will be furious,” claims a publishing insider. The phrase “magic wand” may never be seen in the same light again…

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