TABLOID HELL – NOVEMBER 15 2001

Plus - The TOTP organisers plan to move a brewery for

Jennifer Lopez has a smelly dressing room.

The Sun (November 15) reports that Lopez, who used to be single until she got married, is to perform at the Top Of The Pops awards in Manchester soon and will be housed in a room upwind of a brewery. Organisers are filling her room with scented candles to combat the odour, but the news has left smell monitors reeling.

and having her award presented there, well away from people who might like to look at her. In fact, it should be mentioned now that no one is allowed to look at her. Everyone must look at the ground when she comes past and also breathe in so that she doesn’t have to breathe in dirty air already used by poor people.”

Elsewhere, The Star reports that Britney Spears is buying a house for her mother. Spears, famous for songs, wants to get her a luxury pad in the Caribbean as a thank-you for being a great mother who is really marvellous.

“It’s not a thank-you at all,” said a former reader. “I’m fairly confident she likes her mother but the house is a tax dodge. If she moves the money around, buys that property and a few other bits and pieces she can bring her returns down a level. Britney‘s delighted by it all and is buying a new frock for herself as a thank-you. But that’s not a thank-you either. That’s a tax-dodge. In fact, it’s all a tax dodge. Remember that red jumpsuit she wore in the video for that song that sounds like another song… tax dodge. And the uniform in the song ‘Hit Me Baby Thanks, Nice One’… tax dodge. Britney herself is a tax-dodge for Elton John, who needed to move some earnings around and couldn’t find any more flowers.”

The Mirror’s three girls today reveal that Madonna wears a big cat when its cold.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here if you think can think of more tax dodges.