TABLOID HELL – MAY 30 2001

Plus, Dane slams Geri for being, well, rubbish, Jonathan Wilkes (er, remember him?) leaps to Robbie's defence and jet-set media celebrity Jerry Springer catches a plane...

J-Lo saves lives.

The big-hipped superstar is a woman to have in a crisis. According to the Daily Star today (May 30), boyfriend Cris Judd got a little bread stuck in his throat at a Los Angeles restaurant recently. And quick as a flash, in a scene reminiscent of top Hollywood smash ‘Mrs Doubtfire’, Miss Lopez leapt to his aid. The Latino love goddess, who famously dumped Puff Daddy, forcing him to change his name to the more laughable P Diddy, performed the Heimlich manoeuvre on Judd, forcing the trapped bread to fly from his throat at supersonic speed, creating a large ‘Crack’ as it broke through the sound barrier, no doubt scaring any horses that may have been near the restaurant at the time.

And despite being the wealthiest woman in the world ever, J-Lo made sure she and her partner didn’t waste their lunch, taking their seats again until every scrap was cleared. They then went home and spent the rest of the day in bed. Possibly.

Meanwhile, big Dane isn’t happy.

He wants the Incredible Shrinking Woman to stop singing. It seems Mr Bowers feels there are too many singers knocking about with too much access to studio time.

Without a trace of irony, the R&B crooner, who records songs about how much he’d like his ex-girlfriends to move on with their own lives such as ‘Shut up And Forget About It’, tells the Daily Star: “There’s a hell of a lot of people I’d like to ban from the studio at the moment. Geri Halliwell really needs to stop singing. She doesn’t sing, she shouts.”

Dane, of course, is within his rights to single out Geri. While she has sold millions of records worldwide, both as a solo artist and as part of the most successful all-girl band of the 90s, he is a short man who eats an awful lot.

The Sun concentrates on the escalation of the “Robbie Is Not Gay” row that is threatening to overshadow the upcoming British General Election. After Gobby Spice Mel B announced on a kids’ show on Saturday that Robbie Williams preferred men, a host of stars have not leapt to his defence. Instead, Robbie‘s irate flatmate Jonathan Wilkes has been left to rage alone. “I think she’s out-of-order,” he rages. “Everybody has been saying since year dot that there is something going on between Rob and me. We ignore it.” Wilkes has also launched a stinging return volley at Mel B, putting her in her place. “She’s just sad,” he rages, unrepentantly.

The Mirror’s Ever-Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Jerry Springer was spotted at Heathrow Airport. Honestly.

Finally, the European Space Agency is planning a major search for extraterrestrial life. Initially the Agency will target Mars, where Martians live, Jupiter’s moon Europa and a number of asteroids.

According to ananova.com, the plan was announced at the first meeting of the European Exo and Astrobiology Network in Italy. It will cost up to $130 million a year to fund.

And remember, for the next few weeks Mars will be visible to the naked eye as a small red dot in the lower part of the sky.

E-mail Tabloidhell@nme.com with comments, gripes and suggestions.