TABLOID HELL – OCTOBER 31 2001

Plus - Why J-Lo's snack snubbing caused fury, Alice Cooper kills Britney onstage and should Manchester United revert back to 4-4-2?...

Jennifer Lopez got a big trailer.

Several red tops (October 31) report this morning that the singer-turned-actress-turned-singer asked for a 45-foot trailer with all sorts of things inside when she recorded a charity single recently. Lopez, who used to be the girlfriend of bad boy rap hiphop superstar rapper, Sean Puffy P Diddy Daddy Combs until they split up, insisted on a cold buffet and some water and fruit drinks. It has now become apparent that throughout her time in the trailer she didn’t touch any of the food. People are understandably purple with rage.

“I fucking got her chocolate chip cookies,” a child said. “I queued for at least 30 minutes in Tesco to get them because there was a special offer on where if you buy two packets you get a third free and she never even fucking touched them. I also had to get her some corned beef and tinned pink salmon for sandwiches and that stuck-up mare never even touched them. I spent close to half an hour slicing the crusts off the sandwiches and cutting them up into little triangles. They looked brilliant, really special. When she finally left they had been sitting out for ages and had curled a bit so they were good for nobody except poor people.

Jennifer Lopez is really stuck up. My friend Michael had spent an hour putting little pineapple chunks and bits of cheese on cocktail sticks as easy-to-eat snacks and she never touched them neither. She probably turned her nose up at them and went ‘Ooo, I’m Jennifer ‘J-Lo’ Lopez and I don’t have to eat those pineapple and cheese sticks if I don’t want to because I’m really famous and really posh and don’t eat food like that. Maybe I’ll eat some champagne and grapes instead. I’ll probably even throw my head back and laugh as I eat the grapes right from the bunch like Romans at a mad, drunk banquet’. She’s really fucking unbelievable that one.”

Elsewhere, The Sun reports that Alice Cooper has beheaded Britney Spears onstage. Alice, a man not actually called Alice really, has taken to updating his stage act and rather than killing a Barbie doll during his acts, now kills the teenage virgin singing sensation, famous for having a hit with ‘Hit Me Baby, Cheers’ and another song that sounds similar though had a different video. Fans of Britney who went to see Alice Cooper, a man, perform because they had heard teenage virgin Britney would be there were shocked by his outrageous onstage antics. “I was bloody shocked,” said a moral guardian. “Alice – who it soon became clear was a man wearing ladies make-up and clothes – said that we all had to clap because teenage virgin Britney was coming out. So we clapped and someone came out pretending to beBritney. It soon became clear that Britney never had any intention of being there and I for one shall be writing a strongly worded letter to the Trade Descriptions people asking for some sort of recompense. Alice, or whatever he chooses to call himself, should be ashamed.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls, who are great and report on loads of parties they go to where they meet loads of their famous friends who love them because they are great, today report on the Q Awards party where they met many of their famous friends. This is the same thing they did yesterday but is OK, because they are great.

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