TABLOID HELL – DECEMBER 6 2001

Plus - J-Lo does her bit for the environment and Dido's secret fear...

Liberty have turned into elves.

The popular five-piece, who have decided to be the new Hear’Say

but are not allowed, are pictured in The Sun (December 6) dressed in the traditional costume of elves. The two male drummers in the popular five-piece are pictured at the back of the photo holding fake snowballs, threatening to throw them. The image does not surprise observers.

“They’re not real elves, you know,” said an observer. “The bloke to the left, the drummer, is very obviously wearing fake ears. He’s got a squinty look that might fool children or remedials into thinking he was a small person who lives in the other world with fairies and unicorns, but he’s really just lying to himself. And the other bloke, the drummer, well his ears aren’t so false – they just stick up a bit – but his story certainly is. The girls sitting in the front, the three drummers, aren’t really Santa’s little helpers either. It’s just another lie by the corrupt music industry. I’m getting really sick of this, you know. If they had a real elf or Santa associate in their ranks, I’d be the first to hold my hands up and say ‘Fair play’, but they don’t. Some may argue they might be – elves can be secretive and their true ways are never revealed. But to that argument I say come on. If you were an elf, with all the perks and riches such a mystical life could offer, would you trade it in to attempt to challenge for chart success in the do or die dog eat dog world of the Top 40. Would you? No, I don’t fucking think so.”

The Sun also reports that Jennifer Lopez has bought two expensive cars for herself and her former boyfriend who is now her happily married husband, Jennifer Lopez. She bought two Bentley convertibles at £250,000 a piece for each other as early Christmas presents. The news has set tongues wagging.

“This is not the behaviour of the J-Lo I know,” said one person. “She cares, you know. She’s very concerned about environmental issues, particularly those affecting nature and stuff. She uses public transport all the time so she won’t contribute to the greenhouse effect. And she recycles newspapers and bottles and never leaves lights on when she goes out of the room. And she has a special flush mechanism fixed to her toilet so that only a little water is used at any time. She encourages visitors to her house to employ it. And she’s very good at making you feel small if you spend too long in there and she thinks you’re abusing the water situation. She’s going to have a house built out of driftwood and bent nails found on building sites. I think she’s going to make the windows out of bubble-wrap thrown out by china and crystal shops after delivery. It might look a little odd, but I can tell you it’ll save the earth. But she’s not doing it to save the Earth. She’s doing it because she loves the Earth and wants her fans to be able to live on it and really, really enjoy their time. It’s a gift to her fans, really. She’s always thinking of others. How many stars can honestly say they’ve given their fans the earth? Not many, I don’t think. The cars she bought are probably so she can sell them for scrap and contribute to recycling.”

Elsewhere, The Daily Star reports that Dido “can’t even look at a bottle of Jack Daniels”. “It’s true,” said an observer. “She can’t.”

The Mirror’s 3am Grills today reveal that Rachel from S Club 7 went shopping.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here if you are also scared of an alcoholic drink.