TABLOID HELL – JULY 23 2001

Plus - Jarvis' double-barrelled love disaster, Ricky Martin on the main woman in his life and - yes - the 'Morning Is Broken' mysery is solved!...

You suck. Yes, you. No, it’s no use pointing at yourself and mouthing “Me?” while glancing over your shoulder with an innocent look on your face. It’s you. You. Suck.

How do we know this? Because Madonna says so, that’s why. Seems like the woman who invented everything (pop music, the 80s, arm muscles, motherhood, spirituality, exorbitant ticket prices for a show Gem from Oasis today described as having “a real West End show kind of vibe” to it – it’s ‘The Mousetrap’! But with more references to boobs and gays!) has now invented swearing. All the tabloids today crow on about the fact that she was snapped wearing yet another T-shirt with a “controversial” message on it. It went unnoticed that Lourdes was similarly attired, with a tee reading “Fuck you you fucking c–tfuck”.

The Mirror reports that Jarvis Cocker has been dumped by his girlfriend Camille Bidault-Waddington. Perhaps she could no longer deal with dating someone with such a stupid name.

The Daily Star reveals that Ricky Martin is a “mummy’s boy”. The Latino lunkhead says of his mother, “I need her. I can talk to her about all my problems”. Mrs. Martin, we can only assume, is an expert on how to firm up your buttocks, how to dance like an ape in a hurricane, and what to do when “that cow” Christina steals your foundation. The Star goes on to point out that Ricky cries during sad films and likes cooking, but fails to draw the obvious conclusion. That, you know, he’s a really sensitive chap.

for hours on end eight days a week. Nice one.

And finally, the Daily Record reports that a mystery that’s been plaguing the world of pop for centuries looks close to being resolved. Yes, you can sleep easy in your beds now folks, they’ve discovered who wrote ‘Morning Has Broken’, a 19th century Mull crofter called Mary McDonald. Cheers, Macca.

Send sheepshit and recipe tips for Ricky to Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here for the messageboard.