TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 27

Plus Shirley Bassey's haggis, Quo find God and Jagger's arse gets a thumbs-up...

While every single newspaper goes wild on the Brit Awards this morning (February 26) – frantically searching, it can be assumed, to find some vague scent of a decent story from last night’s awards – the Daily Express guides us through Madonna’s dietary needs.

Seems the Queen of Pop is so “captivated by the taste of Cumbrian baker Jean Johnson’s sticky toffee pudding that she has regular deliveries flown 5,000 miles to her Los Angeles home”.

Mrs Ritchie, you see, developed a craving for the #3.35 calorie-laden delicacy after sampling it at… Harvey Nichols during her last pregnancy.”

Keeping with a food theme, we also learn that renowned diva Shirley Bassey, not best known for her Scottish roots, had a load of haggis flown from Edinburgh to a charity Burns’ Night supper in Monte Carlo last month.

Staying with the Express and quality acts, we learn that hard rocking Francis Rossi of the mighty Status Quo, “has found God after reading inspirational book… ‘Conversations With God'”. Francis now wants to live to be 95. Which means at least 44 more annual Quo farewell tours.

The Mail – this is the Middle England Tabloid Hell today – reports that Mick Jagger still has a pert backside. At a pre-Bafta Awards party on Sunday, the “lifelong Lothario” ran from the dance-floor shouting, “I got groped, I got groped. It was great.” “His bottom seemed firm and rather pert,” said his 27-year-old assailant.

Elsewhere, The Sun reports that Dan Hipgrave, guitarist of Toploader has got engaged to midget television presenter Gail Porter. The Star tells us that Puffy is getting over his split with J-Lo with Hilton Hotel group heiress Paris Hilton – “Jennifer’s loss is my gain. Puffy’s sexy, funny and filthy rich,” the delicate flower told “a pal”, and the Brit Awards can be summed up thus – Robbie Williams got three, Coldplay got two (as did U2), Craig David got none and everyone had a little moan about that.

Finally, after evidence of life after death, outer space landings and Internet romances that end with bodies found in refrigerators, Tabloid Hell can now report that evidence has been found of life on Mars.

“Martians arrived on earth 13,000 years ago,” explains the Mirror. Seems microscopic bugs “that lived at the bottom of pools and lakes on the red planet” were blown off it 15 million years ago when it was hit by a comet, floated around space and crash landed in Antarctica 13,000 years ago. “It’s conclusive evidence that Martian bacteria were in the meteorite. No reasonable person can doubt it any more,” explains Dr Imre Friedmann, team leader of research into the deposits.

Quite an incredible thing.