TABLOID HELL – JUNE 26 2001

Plus - Atomic Kitten's motor racing exploits, Brad Pitt's birthday message for Radiohead boy and half-hour travel across the Atlantic...

Mariah is proud of her bottom.

She really is – her insiders say so. In fact, one of her insiders tells today’s Sun (June 26).

“She’s proud of her bottom and isn’t afraid to show it off,” the insider says.

The dolphin voiced self-arse lover has just made a video for new single ‘Loverboy’ in which her rear-end stars. “She wriggles her rear in tight blue shorts” and “spreads herself over the bonnets of luxury cars, giving her bot maximum exposure,” says The Sun. Tabloidhell@nme.com would like to make it clear that there is no evidence to suggest any of the luxury cars on which big honking Mariah finds herself (Mariah, incidentally, recently insured her entire body for just under $8 million trillion million dollars) are moving. That would be dangerous and encourage fans who have arses of their own to do the same. Stay off moving cars, especially if you have an arse. Unless of course you are inside, sitting comfortably, wearing a seatbelt and not distracting other road users.

Maintaining an automobile theme, the Daily Star today reports that Atomic Kitten, who, it is believed, have arses of their own, are set to “become the faces of a new motor-racing team.” The team will be called AK Motorsports and race Corvettes in the Le Mans 24-hour race. Atomic Kitten, who Tabloid Hell chooses to believe know their way around a spanner set and carburettor, will act as mechanics during the race. Natasha is thought to have a keen interest in tyres especially, and will advise engineers on which compound tyres to be used when certain track temperatures are reached. She’s also got a ‘sixth sense’ for rain and will read the weather conditions allowing a pre-emptive switch to slicks, helping to build up important seconds of a lead.

The Star also reports that top Hollywood actor and all round ‘good lookin fella’ Brad Pitt has sent birthday wishes to Colin Greenwood from Radiohead.

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The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Stella McCartney, daughter of former Wings frontman Paul ‘Macca’ McCartney, was seen riding a bicycle in “London”. The fashion designer who makes a living designing fashion such as clothes was wearing a “yellow dress”.

Finally, scientists reckon that within 30 years, passengers will be able to travel across the Atlantic in half an hour. By train. This is true, apparently.

Frank Davidson, the man behind the £30 billion undersea link, says boring a tunnel would be expensive and “old-fashioned”. He reckons instead the link would be a floating submerged tube anchored to the seabed with cables.

According to ananova.com, magnets would levitate the train and friction would be eliminated by maintaining a vacuum inside the tunnel allowing supersonic speeds.

He says the link would be safer than conventional trains because there is no chance of derailment.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com with remarks and wisecracks. Tabloidhell@nme.com is off to find out what has happened to the message board that was promised yesterday.