TABLOID HELL – DECEMBER 12 2001

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Plus - The comeback of Gary 'I'm not bitter' Barlow, Kylie on a rocket and the 3am Girls being pictured...

Mariah Carey has been eating.

The Daily Star (December 12) reports that Mariah Carey, who went a bit mental recently after she cut her feet on plates and assorted crockery, turned down the chance to eat food prepared by popular big chef Gordon Ramsey in order to have a McDonald’s McChicken.

The news has shocked fans of the dolphin-voiced chanteuse in several places throughout the known world. However, others have leapt to her defence.

“You have to know Mariah to understand her reasoning,” one of Mariah Carey‘s staunchest allies said earlier. “Since the mental thing, she has been unable to eat off plates. Some days she can’t even walk past china shops. In top class restaurants, Mariah would have felt people were literally rubbing her nose in the plate saying ‘Hey Carey, eat from that or eat that, you mother’ and understandably she’s moved away from that world. McDonald’s produce meals in styrene trays and they are safe. It took a while to get to them even. For a time she would just eat chips from newspapers with a few parched peas. I think she’s still not the full deal, you know. She thinks she’s in the army now because she visited those soldiers. She answers every question shouting ‘Sir, yes sir’ like she’s in ‘Full Metal Jacket’ or something. She’s learned all the old episodes of ‘Sgt. Bilko’ too. She’s talking about making a film with Chuck Norris.”

Elsewhere, The Sun reports that top selling former Gary Barlow of Take That is set to write some tunes for chart topping all action quartet Blue. Barlow is understood to be very excited by the thought and has already committed some ideas to paper.

“Gary can’t fucking wait,” said a friend. “He has enjoyed his time out of limelight and he has never been unhappy at not having more chart success – even though he was responsible for all the songs in the chart-topping act Take That and he played instruments and also sang everything and acted as a de facto manager and was a father-figure as well as a big brother as well as mother to the other members and most of the crew. He hopes Blue can benefit from his experience, but he’ll be fairly hands off in the background.

He’ll advise them first of all to change their name as a colour never succeeds. He’s thought of a few names already such as Take Blue and Blue That and Take That, Blue! and Up Yours Williams You Ungrateful Fucker; I Made You, I Own You Williams, How Dare You Turn Your Back On Me You Bastard; I’ll Have Mine. Blue’s management is understandably excited. It’s not everyday they get to work with a star like me… Barlow I mean – it’s not everyday they get to work with a star like Barlow. And he – Barlow – owns his own studio set in secluded woodland on his Cheshire estate which offers top of the range recording facilities at reasonable rates. Room and board can be provided if necessary.”

Meanwhile, top selling lass Kylie Minogue is pictured in The Sun sitting on top of a rocket in The Sun.

“Fucking hell,” said a friend of Gary Barlow. “She looks bloody champion. Gary is very excited about the approach she has made to him to write all the tunes on her new album and produce it and completely revitalise her flagging career. He would be happy to help her achieve at least a modicum of chart success.”

The Mirror’s 3am Grills today are pictured.

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