TABLOID HELL – JULY 10 2001

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Plus - 911 return (hurrah!), Puff Daddy visits a nightclub and the worst sentence ever...

Mariah only gets three hours a night.

The dolphin voiced pneumatic star can’t sleep for worrying. The Sun (July 10) reports that if its not one thing its another keeping the poor multi-millionairess awake. “I stay up thinking about all the loose ends,” says Mariah, who used to be signed to one record label but is now signed to another, “If I’m feeling comfortable I could sleep for ten or 12 hours, but generally I get about three.”

Mariah shares the condition with Margaret Thatcher, who also famously slept for minutes at a time, like a cat. Or someone on a boat, uncomfortable with constant motion and high seas. And also like the former British Prime Minister, who spent 11 years governing her people with a kind, generous touch, much like Mother Theresa or Uncle Joe Stalin, Mariah has a fondness for Denis Thatcher. Many’s the time, Tabloid Hell chooses to believe, that Mariah would remark to friends, “Look at Denis over there. He’s a dashing and handsome man. He’s got lovely big eyelashes and wonderful deceptively silky grey hair. He’s a man who knows how to mix a great gin and tonic! I’m incredibly jealous of Mrs Thatcher, who I bet will become a Baroness in later years, thanks to the work she has done for her people. I reckon she sits awake at night worrying someone is going to steal him away from her. I don’t think I’ll sleep another full night until he’s a loose end I can tie up.”

. Beware chaps.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Cilla Black was spotted leaving a restaurant on Sloane Street in London. They also carry photographs of Puff Daddy at a nightclub in Paris with Donatella Versace and Kevin Spacey. They also break the exclusive on the next Oasis album and plans for a one-off Beatles reunion concert. As if.

Finally, to follow is the world’s worst sentence. The 77-word sentence about bull-fighting helped Sera Kirk of Vancouver scoop the Bulwer-Lytton prize ahead of several thousand others. The prize is named after British novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton whose 1830 novel, ‘Paul Clifford’, began with the words: ‘It was a dark and stormy night.’

“It does take skill. People always manage to find some new element of absurdity,” Professor Scott Rice of competition sponsor San Jose State University said.

Tabloid Hell challenges its readers to better this. “A small assortment of astonishingly loud brass instruments raced each other lustily to the respective ends of their distinct musical choices as the gates flew open to release a torrent of tawny fur comprised of angry yapping bullets that nipped at Desdemona’s ankles, causing her to reflect once again (as blood filled her sneakers and she fought her way through the panicking crowd) that the annual Running of the Pomeranians in Liechtenstein was a very stupid idea.”

It shouldn’t be hard.

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