TABLOID HELL – FEBRUARY 6

Yes, boys, form an orderly queue. The most eligible woman in pop (well, she is quite wealthy) is single! Rumours of marriage to Tom Cruise are perhaps premature...

It’s a day of loss and heartache. After the widespread mourning that greeted the news of the Tom and Nicole split (because they work a lot, the little mites), prepare for wailing and gnashing of teeth at the demise of Sporty Spice Mel C and recent squeeze Dan Williams. According to The Star today (February 6), there’s no reason behind it, dastardly Dan just dumped her. There is no such pussy-footing around from The Sun (that’s a gag, Dan’s band is called Tomcat – geddit?). They reckon he got rid because he “was frightened off by her ten tattoos”.

Madonna, according to The Mirror, has her own feelings of emptiness and rejection to deal with. Apparently bruising celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay didn’t go to any great lengths to accommodate Mrs Ritchie when she visited his restaurant recently.

“I don’t tolerate crap,” he blasted, oddly. “I’ve turned Madonna down because we were full. A lot of restaurants are into backhanders because they want famous customers.”

The Mirror also tells us that Craig David was spotted shopping. In Knightsbridge. For spam fritters and old ‘Fame’ videos. That bit’s a lie.

The Mirror also has a searching look deep into the heart of Meg Mathews. Apparently ‘Mad For It Meg’ had a novel way of dealing with ex husband Noel Gallagher’s quite reasonable requests. “Meg must have realised the relationship was beyond repair when Noel asked her to cook him a roast dinner one day,” it says. “Meg was never a cook. A row ensued. Eventually, Meg called a chef to the house to prepare the meal.” It is unlikely that the chef was Gordon ‘I don’t tolerate crap’ Ramsay.

Back to The Star, where we learn that a sense of loss is going to be shared by those the world over with the return of Alanis ‘Earth Mother’ Morissette. Seems the Canadian songbird has spent the last six months writing and recording the LP. She has also been bathing in hot sulphuric mud spas, helping the poor, hungry and needy the world over and farming worms. The album is going to have an “edgier” sound. One of these last two sentences is untrue.

The Popstars quintet are also receiving fairly blanket coverage again today. Apparently the carefully selected, genetically modified made-for-TV band went a bit crazy and ripped up the house where they have spent the last three months preparing. According to The Sun they “SET THEIR CURTAINS ON FIRE AND RIPPED A BANNISTER FROM A WALL”. The Star, meanwhile, tells us they will be called Hearsay, not, that’s NOT Inner Spin, as previously reported elsewhere. Their first single will be a cover of Suicide’s ‘Ghost Rider’ as performed in the style of their infamous 1978 live album ’24 Minutes Over Brussels’. Honestly.

Finally, a bishop in Burnley has converted his garden shed into a chapel. According to The Star, the Rt Rev John Goddard needed his “own space for peace and quiet”. “Mine just happens to be a wooden hut,” he said. Bless.