TABLOID HELL – JULY 17 2001

Plus - Madonna's cock-er-nee obsession grows, Jarvis Cocker looks for some tunes and Vaneesa Feltz dribbles rubbish about Billie Piper...

It’s a case of Mills and loon in The Sun today.

They report how Michael Jackson is teaming up with diminutive death-defying luvvie Sir John Mills, who’ll be joining the wacko popster on stage during his New York concerts in September.

The Sun also tell of how nipple-slip ex-soapster Michelle Collins was phoned up by none other than be-kilted axe-goddess Madonna after the Queen Of Overpriced Gig Tix saw pictures of her pissed-up on booze stumbling out of Attica at the weekend. “Let’s go and party together,” Madge is reported to have said. Ever desperate to soak up those Cock-er-nee vibes, it seems obvious that Madonna will use this connection to ‘do a Goldie and take up residence in Albert Square.

. Only, y’know, not shit.

Meanwhile, the Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3 Am Girls saw Jarvis Cocker at Notting Hill tube station. Possibly sitting at the exit with upturned hands going “Spare any tunes, mate, I’ve run out”.

In the Express, corpulent delusional bitch Vanessa Feltz supports Billie‘s decision to ‘retire’, using an inevitably stomach-centric vocabulary. It takes “guts” to do what she’s done (what, sit on her husband’s millions rather than wait till she’s dropped by her record company?), especially as her teenage life was “swallowed up” by the music industry. She then goes on to describe Piper as a “succulent morsel of youth” who “served up a feast of sonic thrills” which sadly the public failed to “gorge on”, though Feltz herself admits that she “scoffed the lot until I was metaphorically bursting with pop juice from every orifice”. Actually, she doesn’t. But really, what a stupid fat idiot.

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