TABLOID HELL – MARCH 6

Oh, and we've got more incredible observations from the 3am Girls...

MICHAEL JACKSON no longer wants to look like sister LATOYA. Instead the mighty WACKO wants to be ELIZABETH TAYLOR.

“Is it some form of bizarre flattery,” asks a perplexed Daily Mail this morning (March 6). “Like hers, his black hair is wavy and shoulder length. Their noses are both narrow and straight.” And then middle-England’s totem of taste and decency begins to scare readers of a delicate disposition, breathlessly pointing towards “his generous red lips” and “pasty white skin.” They also generously print a photograph of Jacko and a “young Liz Taylor”. But even snowblinded on a pitch dark night Richard Burton would not have been confused.

Needless to say, the rest of the papers this morning go Jacko wacko.

The Sun focuses on the cut-out card of a baby he carried during a London walkabout yesterday. A cynical Sun asks incredulously “Was it something to do with his latest hobby-horse, Heal The Kids?” before reasoning that “he may have been given it by a fan”. However they still overlook a startling fact. The baby looks like young Brooklyn Beckham.

The Star is more content to focus on the fact that Jacko carried an umbrella as he hobbled around on crutches “ALTHOUGH THERE WASN’T A DROP OF RAIN IN SIGHT”, dammit! They also remind us that one of the duties chimp-loving Michael will perform during his trip is as best man at the renewal of wedding vows of world-renowned spoon bender Uri Geller. Geller has frequently guaranteed that his ability to harness the nation’s psychic energy would see the English national team triumph in major international football tournaments. England, of course, haven’t won the World Cup in almost 40 years and have never had a sniff at European glory.

is also relieved.

Both The Star and The Mirror report on Westlife being banned from Ireland. The chance of them carrying foot and mouth disease across the Irish Sea is being pitched as the excuse. The Mirror’s 3am Girls also reveal that Duran Duran’s Simon Le Bon was spotted “watching a band at University College London student union”. They also reveal that Mick Jagger went into a bookshop in Richmond, London, with his daughter. He bought a book. Readers are reminded that some time ago the 3am Girls spotted Baby Spice Emma Bunton in the forecourt of a petrol station “in London” filling her car with petrol.

Finally, a Welsh man has had an picture of a tin of tomatoes tattooed on his arm… to get back at the wife who dumped him. According to The Sun “jobless Ian Robertson, 37, claimed it was all missus Susan left in the kitchen when she quit after 10 years. Pub pals in Treharris, South Wales, thought it funny – and gave #500 to charity to see the life-sized tin etched on him.

Ian says he now goes “home to my tomatoes”.