Plus - The Morrissey/Dennis chart face off, Bryan Ferry hires a car and free sandwiches...

Mick

Jagger is going to show his warts and all.

According to The

Sun (September 17), the frontman of The

Rolling Stones, who used to be great and influential but are content now to

be old, commissioned a documentary about the making of his forthcoming solo

album. Directors were delighted with the result, “stunned” in fact, and “quickly

realised they had stumbled upon a goldmine”. It is unclear at present just which

warts Mick,

who has big lips but rarely spills his coffee, will show. “Mick

is fairly uninhibited,” a source who has never met the man and can barely

identify him in photographs says. “There are people who are fairly shy about tiny

wee moles on their shoulders and such like, but not Mick.

He probably doesn’t have any moles anyway because he’s a world famous sex

machine. As for this goldmine business, I don’t know what that’s all about. Such

mineral deposits are unheard of in the Home Counties and Mick

certainly doesn’t live in the Yukon Valley.”

Elsewhere, The Sun also reports that lanky comic adulterer and

alter-ego of Bob The Builder, Neil Morrissey, is

set for some chart competition. Morrissey, who as Tabloid Hell has previously pointed out,

used to be lead singer with 80s indie icons Smiths

before becoming a comedy actor in such hits as ‘Men Behaving

Badly’ and probably others, will have to battle it out with the man he

cuckolded Les Dennis, a game show host of some considerable

standing in the game show hosting world. So well respected is

Les that some of his peers call him Les ‘The Host’

Dennis. Les is to team up with rock outfit

Frigid Vinegar to release ‘Diddlysquat’, a song

about game shows. “That indie twat Morrissey is probably

bricking it now,” says a game show fan. “Les is a born

entertainer and he certainly has never sang miserable songs about being

miserable. He’ll take great delight in rubbing Morrissey’s nose

in it.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls, today reveal that they

are really brilliant and that top angry chef Gordon Ramsay is

quite nice really and that he loves them, probably on account of them being

brilliant. They also reveal that Bryan Ferry hired a car from a

car hire place at Pisa Airport.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here for real hot lovin’.