FESTIVAL FALLOUT

We reach the post-festival Hell of August...

The festival season ends with disastrous figures. The average attendance is less than 20 at all of the 675 festivals across the UK in the past two months. Organisers put it down to the weather – Britain has been basking in the hottest summer since records began – and the unexpected popularity of the World Indoor Curling Championship, shown late at night on Channel 5…

THE ROLLING STONES become the first band officially to be diagnosed as suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. “I’m 24,” announces Mick Jagger. “And we’re going to be bigger than the Dave Clark 5.”

IAN BROWN records with General Pinochet, banged up in a Spanish Jail for crimes against humanity. “I know what it’s like,” sympathises Ian

PAUL WELLER plays a charity gig that will definitely be the last of the year. NOEL joins him to play two acoustic songs…