ON THE COUCH WITH JAYNE MIDDLEMISS

Top TOTP presenter vents her red of Thatcher in our therapy sesh...

Which song describes you best?

‘Creep’ by Radiohead.”

What is heaven? “Never having to work, and just lying on a beach with my feet in the sea.”

What is hell?

“Being in a hot country with no air conditioning.”

What’s your earliest memory?

“Just before my sister was born ? I was two-and-a-half ? my mam went into hospital, and I made animal pastry shapes with my friend Sharon.”

What’s your greatest fear?

“Things happening ? accidents, illness, ? to family and friends.”

Who’s your all-time hero?

Bob Dylan ? thanks to his music I was four years old and had some understanding of politics. Anyone who can do that is pretty impressive.”

What’s the worst trouble you’ve been in?

“I once thought ‘Well, Sporty Spice can drive, so I must be able to.’ But I can’t. I got into my boyfriend’s car, confused the accelerator with the brake, and crashed it.”

Who was the first love of your life?

“Hutch from Starsky And Hutch. I even wrote to Jim’ll Fix It asking to meet him.”

What’s your greatest talent?

“Exaggerating. It makes everything more dramatic and I like that at all times.”

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge? How? Why?

Margaret Thatcher. My dad was a miner, so I lived through that whole strike. It had nothing to do with the coal industry, it was just so she could have power over the country and the working class. She’s a bitch and I’d rip her head off with my bare hands.”

What’s your most treasured possession?

“A ring box my nana gave me ? she died when I was six.”

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?

“Chatting up Paul Heaton from The Beautiful South! He was surprised I think, but he stood and took it as I went, ‘Yeah, you’re so attractive, you are!’ I didn’t get anywhere, though.”

What can you cook? “Everything. Apart from meat, because I don’t eat that.”

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received?

“If you put your mind to it, you can do anything.”

Can you read music?

“No.”

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?

“Go to the White House and see if Bill Clinton actually is a lecherous old sod.”

What are your three final wishes?

“To star in a movie with Nicolas Cage, to play guitar like Hendrix, and to have youthful skin for ever.”