TABLOID HELL – 30 MARCH

Plus - Mick Hucknall's foul mouth, Rod Stewart's shagging album, and erm, a Ping Pong Bitches financial report...

Oasis are broke. So broke in fact, they are swapping ‘£2,000 a day on limos for £9 train rides’ according to The Star (March 30). ‘Hefty tax bills plus huge demands for alimony’ are to blame, the paper reckons.

But that’s not all. So much are the boys feeling the pinch that they are delaying journeys from London to a studio in High Wycombe until ‘after 9.30am – paying £9 for a cheap day return, rather than the normal £15’.

Laying aside the facts of a spurious filler story written to accompany some pictures of Oasis, does The Star seriously expect Tabloid Hell readers to believe that Liam would ever get up before 9.30am?

this morning. Mick Hucknall left a club a few nights ago and went apoplectic when his driver wasn’t outside the door to whisk him home. After moaning into his mobile phone for a while, the car duly appeared. And Mick continued to moan at the driver. “Why are you fucking late? Can you see the fucking scum out there taking my fucking pictures? Well you are fucking fired now,” Mick is reported to have politely said. The story is accompanied by a profile shot of Mick. It is the sort of picture that would worry sheep. The Star also run a sidebar about other ‘ranting redheads’. They liken Hucknall to Queen Boadicea (died 61AD), ‘ruler of ancient Britons who massacred 70,000 Roman soldiers.’

The Sun, meanwhile, returns to the focus of yesterday’s Tabloid Hell, Rod Stewart. The smoothie takes readers on a track by track through his new album ‘Human’. It is hilarious.

“It’s shagging music,” he says of ‘Soul On Soul’, “they’re all shagging songs. If you put this on, you’ll get laid. It’s all about rogering.” Of ‘Loveless’ he says, “Let’s get this done so I can give Penny a shagging before she gets up.” And it goes on. Of ‘Peach’ he asks “What the fuck’s this doing on there? I think it’s a mistake, I didn’t want it… just turn off after track 11 please.”

Also in The Sun, we find, rather surreally, Cosmic Rough Riders and Ping Pong Bitches. On the financial page. The first six monthly figures on the state of Poptones are published, you see. For the record, they returned a loss of #1.1 million.

The ever vigilant 3am Girls in The Mirror reckon Hear’Say‘s Myleene is off for a make-or-break holiday with “two-timing rat” boyfriend. They also accuse Posh of carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag. And they report a sighting of Jarvis Cocker. On a London street.

Finally, the Daily Mail today offers advice on how to crash land an aeroplane on water (it’s all in the yoke and altimeter), how to survive an alien attack (don’t let them sense your fear) and what to do if caught in a volcanic eruption (don’t try to outrun the lava). Just thought you’d like to know.