TABLOID HELL – JANUARY 17

And rest assured, we've got no All Saints in there for a change...

Liam Gallagher and his extra toe stride across the tabloids this morning (January 17) with a web-footed swagger. The Sun carries a picture of the left foot and its extra digit poking out from a pair of flip-flops explaining the condition is called polydactyls – “an extra toe between the little one and the fourth”. Though it is an hereditary condition, Liam’s son Lennon has the correct number, we’re told.

Not content with Gallagher the younger’s pedicural matters, the same newspaper also devotes a page to Liam’s backside pinching. On his way through Heathrow Airport on Friday (January 12) before boarding a flight to Rio, Liam allegedly grabbed a British Airways flight attendant’s rear “and squeezed it very hard”. Apparently “he seemed drunk and smelled of whisky” and “just grinned arrogantly and swaggered off to his Club Class seat”. Who’d have thought it – a rock’n’roll star, being drunk and leery and causing problems before a transatlantic flight. What’s wrong with a little love? – a little love between two C-list names, perhaps.

has yet to go, ehm, stellar, is a matter not discussed.

The Star also reports that one half our favourite new (low rent) Posh and Becks – Kerry ‘Calm Down’ Katona of Atomic Kitten – is feeling the effects of morning sickness. Kerry, with child thanks to the divine intervention of Westlife’s Bryan ‘Well, OK, I ate a few of the pies’ McFadden apparently fled the nomination party for the Brit Awards on Monday (January 15) because “she’s already feeling the effects of the pregnancy”. Quite how morning sickness kicks in during the early evening is not addressed.

Finally, while The Mirror and a host of other red-tops focus on All Saints and their “still together” performance at the World Sport Awards in London’s Royal Albert Hall last night, the ever vigilant Daily Express gets to the real heart of the show.

“The finale came,” trumpets the venerable organ, “when John McEnroe and Damon Hill, both on guitar, and Colin Jackson on backing vocals, joined Bryan Adams.” As if to prove the remarkable get-together to the disbelievers, the band are also pictured. Hey hey, my my…